Tuesday, September 8, 2009

comfortable thumb grip!

its possible that this is one of those things that i'm not "supposed" to write about, but if you know me in real life then you know that my big mouth rarely stays primly shut, so i'm just going to throw it out there in the name of authenticity...

i spent a good bit of the last 48 hours pretty much convinced i was pregnant. i won't go into the TMI details as to why, but let's just say i am not that girl... you know, the one who fucking flipped her shit every freakin' month in college, swearing up and down that she was knocked up (she felt the 3 week old fetus kick, for chrissake, and her feet are swollen to the size of watermelons! watermelons!), and forced you to drive her to the Walmart on the other side of town because the Target is too close to campus and someone might see her, except they wouldn't see her because she conned you into buying the test because she's just so mortified about her delicate condition (except she's never pregnant, of course, and you're actually pretty sure she hasn't hooked up with anyone since her boyfriend dumped her before formal last year).

ahem.

to sum up, i'm dramatic about many things but potential buns in my oven isn't one of them.

{and Mom, you can pour yourself an extra big glass of merlot and stop frantically scanning the post to find the part where i say i am not, in fact pregnant, because, i am not, in fact, pregnant.}

continuing onward, if you've read this post, you know i'm not ready to tackle Mommy World just yet. in fact, i was pretty convinced yesterday that The Universe was bitch-slapping me in the face with A Fish Called Irony... picture The Universe flapping her arms wildly like a middle-aged man singing "Play That Funky Music White Boy" at karaoke night and shrieking "oooo! you claim you're not ready yet but you coo at baby shoes! and last week you watched Juno! I'LL SHOW YOU WHOSE READY, BITCH!"

i swear, you let your guard down for one second in the Baby GAP and its like Pow! FERTILIZATION!

except (luckily for me) not.

now, {cue serious note music} i know so many couples who have been blessed with adorable, perfect surprises, and maybe this was more The Universe's way of reminding me that many of the best things in life are not necessarily the result of following "The Plan." but i'd be lying if i said i'm pretty freakin' greatful that this was only a friendly reminder and not a Huge Ass Life Lesson because there are a lot of reasons why B-A-B-Y would have been a bit of a buzz kill right now {um, end serious note, btw} - the most important one (obviously) being that we leave for Napa in 72 hours for the sole purpose of drinking our faces off for three days.

so enough about my scaredy-cat moment... can we talk about pregnancy tests for a tick? yes? good! because WTF is up with CVS' freakin' placement of those things?! am i smoking something or did they not used to be by the tampons? because now they are right smack next to the condoms and i for one feel this is a poor choice for a myriad of reasons. first, as one of my dear friends pointed out today, the condoms are usually in clear view of the pharmacy counter - probably to ensure that embarrassed hornball teenagers don't swipe them while their parents are stocking up on shampo. and maybe that's why the PTs are there too, but now i feel all self-conscious because i just know that pharmacist bitch is scoping me out and trying to decide if i'm a super-hopeful potential mother or a scared shitless bundle of nerves (because that's what i would do if i were a pharmacist).

then, if you fall in the latter "scared shitless" category, you have all those condoms laughing at you like "hey there smartiepants, the horball teenagers can figure out how to prevent pregnancy - what's your excuse?" although, i guess if the tests were by the tampons i'd be complaining that the Tampax Pearls were mocking the crimson wave's late appearance (Clueless shout-out!). ideally, those suckers should be right in between the Depends and the Monistat. that way, the Positive Polly in all of us could say "well, i might be knocked up but thank goodness i don't have feminine itch or a condition that merits adult diapers!"

also... do we really need so many options? i mean, seriously - digital read-outs? is "1 Line = No Baby; 2 Lines = Baby" really that difficult of a concept to grasp? i know the whole process is a little nerve wracking but trust me, ONE LINE came through loud and clear even through my Tourettes-esque internal monologue. i also saved like $12... so, you know, bonus. and no, i did not buy the cheapest one (fourth quote down). in fact, mine came with a COMFORTABLE THUMB GRIP, people! i kid you not, this is apparently a selling point as these were the bullets on the side of the box:
  • simple one step process
  • comfortable thumb grip
  • results in 2 minutes
i don't know about you, but i think i might have prioritized a bit differently in the ol' packaging department, but whatever, no one asked me.

34 comments:

  1. hee hee hee... once again, very happy for you :-)

    My favorite-ever pregnancy test movie moment is from Singles, where Campbell Scott is buying all the tests and the clueless Jeremy Piven is the cashier trying to get him to relive his college glory days that night, and then looks down at what he's ringing up.

    "Or you might be busy tonight."

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  2. i also had my very own 3 Men and a Baby moment this weekend and it was scary as hell. HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOO this is why I suffered through that IUD so i wouldn't get pregnant!

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  3. Ah, the pregnancy scare...

    Mine was a few weeks ago, but was more the result of poor cycle tracking and the, ahem, intimate moments being so infrequent lately that I honestly could not remember the last time it had happened (which, you know, meant I couldn't remember if I should be freaked out that I was late... or even if I was freakin' late).

    Anyway, yay us for not being pregnant. I'm off to polish off a bottle of wine. On a Tuesday. Because I officially can.

    Have fun on vacation!! I'll be cursing you from TX every time the temp approaches 100 degrees (so, all weekend).

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  4. This post was pretty freaking funny! I'm glad you're not pregnant!!! I'm very guilty of over reacting to any potential scare...

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  5. You certainly have a way of making even the most serious of situations freakin' hilarious! So, was Evs in on the fact that you might be with child, or were you waiting for a potential positive to put the fear of god in him as well? Curious, that's all!

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  6. I've bought 2 sets of pregnancy test this week so I hear you. The second set was purchased for fear of the first set being used too early. I am 25 married and want children but feel like a freshman on the first day of high school buying them.

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  7. From what I understand, sometimes that second line can be EXTREMELY faint. Then you sit there going, IS IT A LINE? Or is it my imagination??? So I shelled out the extra cash for the digital one so there would be no doubt at all about what was going on. I didn't want to be a neurotic second guessing basket case, you know? Dang thing didn't even take the whole three minutes it said it would need on the box - thirty seconds and I was having a baby!

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  8. what IS up with the placement of those tests? I wasn't embarassed about the pharmacists paying attention to me picking one up, but not being able to find them when I looked (in women's aisle) took my freaking out up a notch. I, also, am not pregnant... (whew!)

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  9. This is, by far, one of the funniest posts I've ever read!!! I have *SO* much to look forward to...have a fun time drinking in Napa Valley..savor every drop :)

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  10. I had my own little freak out moment a few years ago and after buying a pregnancy test, I noticed that there were 2 in the box... why would you need 2? And what do you do with the other one? Keep it so some snoop going through my medicine cabinet can find it? Don't think so. But it seems such a waste to just throw it away!

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  11. This was freakin' hilarious to read and enjoy Napa!

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  12. AAHHH!!! Me, too! Two weeks late! I decided I didn't want to ruin the weekend, so I waited until yesterday to go to the doctor. I asked for a blood test because I couldn't bear the thought of a false positive and within hours, I received the best call ever...NEGATIVE!!! Of course, I got my period today! I was getting a little tired of peeing and looking down for Flo! And since you touched on irony, two days ago I had ranted on Facebook about the fact that EVERYONE was pregnant and that a little restraint never killed anyone...

    Congratulations!

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  13. HA! I can so relate to this! I think we have all at one point had a "scare." During mine, I took the pg test at the BK next door to the drugstore because I could NOT wait until I got home. Pathetic me.
    Enjoy Napa!

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  14. hahahhaha!

    You are too funny, I laughed so hard while reading this post. What an adventure! Glad you're not pregnant!

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  15. so now you can say cheers to all the vino in napa 2 can consume!

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  16. Great story. Almost a year ago, the FI and I had a little scare but we of course weren't engaged at the time so I threw on a couple of super nice "wedding" rings so that I wouldn't have to bear the shame of glaring eyes when I bought them. And by them I mean the two pack. Of which I kept the 2nd under the sink and let a friend use last weekend when she thought she might be preg. She of course wasn't and then my period didn't show and I was kicking myself for letting her use it. I got my period a few days later thank god!

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  17. This is TOO funny - cause, um - have ya read my blog from yesterday and what I did??? Could this be a 'Great Minds' situation, or is that too weird?

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  18. This is too funny. Last summer I took something like 7 pregnancy tests... there was no possible way I was pregnant. Well, my 6 mo old is proof that I was wrong. I bought everything from the cheap ones (with directions only in spanish) to the digital ones. They all were positive excpt the most expensive ones! And, this was right before a Scandinavian vacation.

    Glad you are now pregnant and can drink lots and lots of vino!

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  19. Have you been reading my mind?! Hilarious!

    What is up with preg. test locations? Once @ Kroger I noticed they were in a locked glass. Seriously!

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  20. I have been there...and funny story, I went to a CVS in Houston and they are in the exact same place! Then when I bought it, I could totally tell the pharmacist was judging me. I swear to the Jesus, she looked at my left hand (which at the time was blank). Not cool.

    Glad there aren't any baby shoes in your immediate future.

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  21. Yay for us all being NOT KU! I had my scare last month. I totes agree that the condoms laugh at you. :(

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  22. your hilarious! im glad everything worked out for you!

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  23. I think you know, I've BEEN THERE sister. I am always there in fact. I should have a sleeping bag in that condom/preg test aisle. And for tards like me, I need digital read out.

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  24. :) This was hilarious and I'm glad your not prego, weird I have never even realized where the tests are. I will have to be more aware of my surroundings :)

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  25. The faint line is why the digital ones are awesome. I think it's more of an issue for people hoping for a positive and worried they're imagining the second line. I think that's also the reason for two tests. Because if you're trying to get KU and hoping for a positive, you'll likely take at least one test too early.

    Trust me -- when you are trying (1) buy digital and (2) buy at least a two-pack.

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  26. My friend with 5 kids always tested negative. For months. Once I said to her, how are you? 3 months pregnant, she said. Surprise!

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  27. Haha, that reminds me of a scare I had about a year ago. I went to the store, got the pregnancy test, and went to the shortest possible line to get out as quick as possible to hurry home. Then as the kid, I swear he wasn't even 18 yet, rang me up he says, "Soo are you hoping your are or not??" I was like ummm WHO ASKS THAT?! Seriously kid!

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  28. Ya know, I've only taken TWO pregnancy tests in my life. Apparently, I'm not a fretter.

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  29. Oh my gosh I nearly died laughing reading this!! I haven't had a scare quite like this before, but wow. And WTF on the comfortable handgrip? Because it is so heavy? You are death gripping it?

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  30. Let me tell you, when the baby gene kicks in, you will be thankful that they developed the digital tests and don't have to dissect whether or not you are ovulating at that moment in time. Is that pink line darker than the other one or the same color or lighter? I can't tell. And I'm definitely not stupid. At least my mom thinks so, so it must be true, right?

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  31. Hey You! You and Bactirium are featured on confession friday!

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  32. You just took what I'm sure was very scary for you, and made it hilarious!! I also feel like the placement of pregnancy tests is a joke. And I so pulled a Carrie the first time I ever had the need to buy a pregnancy test. I also bought a box of those condoms... just hoping right!!

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  33. I know you're still on vaca but I just had to congratulate you for being my first drunk commenter. I LOVE it.

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happy little comments!