Tuesday, October 20, 2009

haters

Note to my (3? 2?) male readers who are not my dad or Evs (because ya'll are obligated by 
Unspoken Law to grin and bare my soap-box ramblings - apologies): you might want to pass 
on this one. There's no tampon stories or anything but, eh, whatever. Enter the fray if you 
must.

This post was supposed to "air" yesterday morning. Then there was "stuff" (ie: that Adult 
Stuff they pay me to do). As a sign of good faith, I give you this thematically appropriate 
clip from last week's Glee. Give it a gander.


Now that your toes are a-tapping, let's chat about something else that Aretha would be 
proud of. Yes, I went there with the "Respect" reference, but some of the dialog circulating 
throughout the media (in general) and the blogosphere (specifically) is chapping my hide in 
such a way that causes me to do things like go all Women's Studies on you and use proper 
capitalization techniques whilst posting.

My observation, and my subsequent beef, is this: Girl-on-Girl Hate. Lately I feel as if its 
been everywhere: "I am better than you because I am a __________ Platinum Bride / 
Budget Bride; Stay-at-Home-Mom / Working Mom; Natural Birth Planner / Epidural 
Planner; Breastfeeder / Formula Proponent... the list goes on and on. I haven't even made 
most of these choices yet, but to see women unabashedly pass judgment on other women 
simply for making a different decision makes me seethe.  

When did this become our favorite pastime (after the age of 20)? Why do we insist upon 
dividing ourselves into categories and pitting ourselves against one another? Do we 
become insecure, after choosing our own path, as to whether that road was right? And 
plagued by these insecurities, do we throw poisonous darts at the other camp in an attempt 
to convince ourselves that we are the victor?  

After years and years (Women's Studies 101 Alert!) of having absolutely no options, 
shouldn't we be celebrating the fact that we have so many options? Immediately dismissing 
another woman's choice merely because it doesn't coincide with our own is unproductive to 
the advancement of our gender, stifling to our individual growth, and limiting to the lessons 
we can learn and the relationships we can form with people different from ourselves.* 
{Stick that in your pipe and smoke it! I'm crocheting that bitch on a pillow later!}

I'm not suggesting electing some sort of Nice Police to patrol the avenues of free speech - 
 nor am I imploring authors and publishers (be it blog, paper, airwaves, etc) to smother their 
thoughts with neutrality. I'm just suggesting that maybe your grandmother was right: you 
do get more bees with honey, sweetheart.

*and yes, I plagiarized my own comment from BEB's fabulous post on the SAHM vs. 
Working Moms debate. lame, I know.

25 comments:

  1. I'm with you, Kate. It's heartbreaking.

    I just don't get it, truthfully, why others feel they have the right to judge how others live their lives. I just, don't, get it.

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  2. Great post. Got me thinking. I hate the feeling that someone is judging you, when they look you head to toe, with a gross look on their face. How dare them, you know? It makes me so uncomfortable and basically I want to kick them.

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  3. Great post!!! You are so fabulous--to fabulous for some to handle. I love you!

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  4. oh my gosh, YES. i am so tired of not only "my category is better than your category", (more importantly, why are we categorizing!?) but also one-upping. what happened to the days of "you got a new car! yay!" instead of "great car, but mine's a lexus and yours is a honda." making someone feel bad about their choices to make yourself feel better is terrible. i love your mean girls remark on the other blog. total quote of the day.

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  5. I am SO with you on the categories thing. Last week when the Dr. Phil episode aired, I was on Twitter, and it was so cool to see everyone understanding people have the opportunity to make choices. I hate when women presume to know what is best for all women...every single one of us.

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  6. I feel as if we could have drinks discussing this same topic every week for all eternity, and how depressing is that? It must be cold and dark in those judgmental boxes some people call home. Happily enjoying the fresh air and sunshine with you!

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  7. Yay Women's Studies - my minor! Actually Women's & Gender Studies but whatev.

    I really hate woman-on-woman crime. It is insane. And like Tina Fey said, "you all have got to stop
    calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores."

    I think her point is well made. As is yours. Love the post!

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  8. Fantastic post ~ well said.

    Thanks for keeping it real!

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  9. Great post! I think that having a feeling of being anonymous (sort of) on the internet empowers women to bash each other. I used to see to a ridiculous degree when I was on the Knot boards planning my wedding. Just because that person can't see you does not make okay to be cruel.

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  10. What incredible timing. I completely agree with you. It makes me so sick the way that so many women get off on putting each other down and making nasty assumptions about one another. We are all (well, most of us) putting our REAL lives out there and I cannot imagine having the time or energy to anonymously comment and send rude e-mails about other REAL bloggers. As for the not-so-real bloggers, well I have my thoughts about them and hope that time and common sense will show everyone who is real and who isn't.

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  11. This is one of the things I actually find hardest about being a mom... the judgmental BS from all the other moms! I certainly have my opinions on things but if I have learned one thing, it is that every baby AND mom are totally different and so what works for one, could be 1000% wrong for another! Wouldn't it be more interesting to listen to others and try to understand their point of view than break them down without even hearing what they have to say? It would certainly make us all look a little wiser and more kind.... two of the most attractive qualities in any human being! Sorry to ramble, but I just got an ugly comment on my blog the other day and it really got me thinking about all of this! Thanks for posting it as a reminder to us ALL!!

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  12. Amen, sister! Let's all work together and help each other out. Isn't that what women are best at?

    And, we should be thrilled to have as many choices as we do, not bringing each other down for theirs.

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  13. excellent post.

    i am all for a person having an opinion and standing up for their convictions. what i don't tolerate is when those opinions start attacking others and recently it has run rampant in the blogsphere.

    it's sad actually, all i wanted to do was discuss why mojitos are the best cocktail on the planet and instead i got my ass beat down.

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  14. I want to hug you for saying "you
    do get more bees with honey, sweetheart."

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  15. Sooo true.

    And on a grander scale:

    "But here's the thing: When no authority can be regarded as unimpeachable by both right and left, when no fact can be universally accepted as such, when anything you prefer not to believe is automatically dismissed as a product of ``bias,'' you impoverish intellect and render informed debate impossible."

    See the rest of Leonard Pitts' editorial at: http://www.miamiherald.com/opinion/columnists/story/1287092.html

    All we need is love.

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  16. Well said. There's just been too much negativity floating around the past few days. I got my first hate email last week (quickly followed by a second from the same anonymous person). Why can't people just live and let live?

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  17. I agree, I agree, I AGREE!! That's all I have to add to this convo but yeah, it's definitely ridiculous and it really boils down to the fact that a lot of girls are jealous bitches! :(

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  18. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I worst problems I have had in my career have not been attacks by men, but by other women. I even had to file legal action at the office a few years back because of two women.

    Most recently an aunt, whom I have never met, but has read my blog, sent me an unsolicited, dream-destroying email accusing me of being (God forbid): wealthy. Apparently she got that impression from reading my blog and stated that I need to consider where my money is going. (??) of course my fiance said just to delete her and move on, but instead of may commenting on how much fun the blog looks or something positive, she attacked me! I agree with another reader that many women are just totally jealous bitches!!!

    I love my blogging pals, however, everyone is so supportive. I've never read a comment that "wow, do you think you need and other dress?" or "have you thought about maybe loosing some weight before you buy jeans?". Never! I would rather spend time with on the computer than go into the breakroom just because of the positive interactions that occur here.

    What a great post! ;-)

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  19. oooh, I just read that a blogger got negative comments, well, there goes my theory, however, on the upside, anyone who isn't enough of a woman to us a name and sends is under anonymous is not much of a person. At least they could stand up and be hateful so that you could respond and have a dialogue.

    sorry for rambling!!!

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  20. Its not going to stop. It won't stop until the people who are being "attacked" stop attacking back. Seriously, they are simply FUELING THE FIRE. making it worse. Just ignore it ladies, stop posting #pretentious on your twitter, twittering about, making snarky comments in general. If you don't like it...dont say anything! Treat others how you wish to be treated. Karma is a bitch. I could go ON and ON with the little phrases.

    My point: move on. Keep blogging about whatever it is you typically do. We are not in HS, and this is not the set of Mean Girls.

    Get over yourselves!

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  21. Hey crochet me an extra pillow with that on it too :)

    I totally agree with you though, there is no need to hate on each other, when everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

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  22. You hit the nail right on the head. I have wondered given what's gone out lately in the blog world, why as women we are bashing each other so much. I don't care if someone works, stays home, has kids, doesn't have kids, wears Target or wears Gucci. If I disagree with what someone is saying on THEIR blog than I just read it and move on. It's time to stop all of the bashing. Excellent post.

    Cari

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  23. Great post!!You made some wonderfully profound points. Sounds like these "haters" are way too full of themselves and are stuck in the teen mentality. Sad for them.

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  24. Sounds like you and your grandmother know what's going on. No need for the hate!

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  25. great post & so true...it's like we never leave jr. high as girls we are always judging each other on some level. thanks again, loved it!

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happy little comments!