say what?

This is one of those moments where I feel I should have 893 Ridiculously Hilarious Things to Say on the following subject matter... but for some reason, I can only bring myself to state the facts.  Perhaps this phenomenon is simply the result of the complete and utter AWESOMENESS of the subject matter (and by AWESOMENESS, I mean... AWESOMENESS), thus rendering any outside commentary useless. 

No biggie.  The reality is this: 

There is a documentary - possibly on your television, right this very second - entitled "Sizing Up Sperm."  

[dramatic pause]

If your reaction to this news is somewhere in the neighborhood of "ummm, mmmmkay Kate, that's great and all but there are like a gabillion lamesauce educational programs where some Boring British Dude drones on and on until sex becomes absolutely unsexy and that's no fun - plus, I'm more interested in Lands' End Canvas coupon codes, so if you don't have anything useful to share, stop clogging up my damn Google Reader!"... then Sing It, Sista, 'cause you are in the same camp I was in a mere 24 hours ago before life as I knew it changed. 

Yes, S.U.S. is narrated by a British Dude.  I'll give you that.  And yes, its a rather Boring British Dude (why can't they get Mr. Darcy to narrate sex-ed videos, huh?  Or James Bond!  Or at least someone whose played cricket with Prince Harry.).

But. 

BUT!!!  {and, obviously, here's the clincher!}

The Boring British Dude isn't merely gabbing along with some cheap tadpole graphic... BBD is CHRONICLING the DEATH-DEFYING JOURNEY of sperm via LIFE-SIZED ANALOGY. 

That's right my friends.  Those are Sperm-People you see.  And where might those Sperm-People be?  Why that's Vagina Valley, of course! 

{like an episode of Fraggle Rock on LSD and Viagra, 

the Sperm-People lay in wait, cuddled together, testicle-style}

According to NatGeo: "Its the most extreme race on earth - a contest with 250 competitors, only one winner, and relentless obstacles thrown in for good measure.  The Great Sperm Race tells the story of human conception as its never been told before, as helicopter-mounted cameras, CGI and dramatic reconstruction bring to life the extraordinary journey of sperm, from ejaculation to egg - scaled up to human size, with the sperm played by real people."

Just let that sink in for a bit...

(if you can get past the atrocious run-on sentence and asinine punctuation in that description).  

{antibodies attack! go Vagina, go!}

{mucus ladders. VOM}

{honestly, I don't know what the eff is going on here... 

but it appears that all woman have a replica atrium from Office Space inside their cervix}

I mean, is there really much else left to say?  

Except that I hope our future baby isn't the result of this guy shoving his way to the top of the gene pool... I mean (a) don't be such a pushy asshole, okay?  (b) Try a laxative.  And (c) no child of mine shall be raised sans a deep and spiritual knowledge of volumizing shampoo.

Good News for You: Sizing Up Sperm replays Tuesday, April 13 at 7 p.m.  Fire up your DVR, kiddos.