Wednesday, August 4, 2010

10 Things I Hate About Me**

**Or "6 Things I Hate About Me."  Well, if we're going to be precise, "6 Obnoxious Things About Me."  Apologies for the misnomers, but I don't pass up a chance to mention one of Willy S's modernized plot lines, much less one that involves both Heath Ledger with his original Aussie accent and Alex Mac.

(1) I act overly perky towards shop clerks.  Until one fails to ID me.  Then he or she finds his or herself on the receiving end of a look I save solely for Nazi war criminals.  And if the establishment wherein said shop clerk is employed happens to boast signage that reads "We Card 30 & Under?"  I up the ante to Death Stare Reserved for Nazi War Criminals and Puppy Killers.  Look, I exfoliate.  I cleanse.  I tone.  I moisturize twice daily - once with SPF!  I haven't been to a tanning bed in 7 years.  My credit score might be better if Bliss' Triple-Oxygen Facials didn't exist.  I DESERVE the annoyance of digging my license out of my wallet and waiting while you try to do math in your head.   Just humor me.  Please? 

(2) If I know Super Secret Code and you do not, I will use that shizz in every day conversation until you want to shove a citrus zester down my throat.  Perhaps it's because I am still miffed that the CIA never contacted me after I applied (five times twice), or perhaps it's because I enjoy making my job sound more glamorous than it actually is, but when asked "what'd you do today," I sometimes respond with something like Oh, not much, just helped one of my USC-spouse VAWA clients apply for an I-765 EAD and AOS to LPR status with an I-485.  As you can imagine, dinnertime with me is SUPER FUN. 

(3)  I tell the longest, most tangential tales ever.  My friends from college can attest to this.  It's probably a good thing that CIA thing didn't work out since this quality would render me a terrible spy.  I'd undoubtedly forget my cover story and begin blabbing about that time my mom and I shared a CPR dummy with meteorologist Mark Murray and Jan started proclaiming her undying love for Mark's weather skillz between chest-pumps and mouth-to-mouth puffs and.... Crap.  Where was I? 

(4)  I think it is my subconscious ambition to name my offspring after a character from Silence of the Lambs.  I started out small by suggesting "Crawford" as a potential moniker when we brought The Boom home (What?  Pets totally count as "offspring.").  And I almost succeeded in convincing Evs that "Reese" would be a fabulous middle name to pair with "Claire" until he figured out what I was up to.  To my credit, I have yet to campaign for Hannibal or Jame (no "s").  

(5)  I count the number of items you have in the Express Checkout Lane.  And I will judge your manners, your intelligence, and probably your outfit if you are even one over the 15 Item Limit.  And NO, twelve identical banana cream pie Yoplaits DOES NOT count as one item.  It counts as... wait for it... TWELVE.  

(6) If you're talking about a movie based on a book, I will make it my place to tell you Yeah, I read the book.  Even if it has nothing to do with my analysis of the movie.  Even if it has nothing to do with your analysis of the movie.  Even if we're complete strangers who just happen to be seated next to each other in the awkward massage chairs at the Asian pedicure place.  No, I don't know why I do this.  And yes, you have every right to pause, roll your eyes, and return to your crummy shiatsu and your convo about Julia Roberts' hair color in the previews for Eat, Pray, Love.  

Which, BY THE WAY, I read in book form.   

21 comments:

  1. #5 - I'm so with you. Smelly rule breakers.

    #6 - I don't watch a lot of movies, but I do love to read. People seem to get offended when you tell them that you didn't see the movie but you read the book.

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  2. Oh I count the crap out of peoples items in the express lane. In fact, I have a firm opinion (that everyone should share)... if you have to count your items, you have too many!

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  3. This is hysterical. I'm kinda afraid to try and think of my obnoxious ways. I fear there would be way more than 6...

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  4. Oh my gosh. The express lane thing happened to me TODAY. I was GLARING at the woman (like that does any good). Who on earth does that?!?! If you have more the allotted amount of groceries please go elsewhere!!!

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  5. ha, love this :) I do a lot of those too...especially the counting in the express lane!

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  6. You are charming! We love your tangents.

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  7. "Yeah, I read the book."

    I would take it to the next level by adding, "The book was better," OR, "I didn't bother seeing the movie because books are always better." Hahaha. Ahh, smug book-types. Gotta love 'em!

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  8. #3, #5, and #8 I am super guilty of. I am even more obnoxious about number 8, as I will smirk and be suspiciously judgey and quiet until someone asked my comment. Then I talk about the book in a superior way. Ugh- I am such a non-reader judger!

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  9. The express lane thing kills me! Kills me! Count your damn items people. The worst is when I literally have like 2 things. I just want to pay for my items and GO HOME. Grrr. My new job doesn't involve so much code as my former, as I obviously assumed that everyone in the world would understand my work mumbo jumbo. The dinner hour is a much better place at mi casa since I changed employers.

    And? I read Eat, Pray, Love. Several times actually (no really). Does this give me even more room to brag??

    PS. Javier Bardem? Why yes I will be seeing the movie version thankyouverymuch.

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  10. I am the WORST at being like " Oh well in the book... la ti da...." I am especially terrible with the True Blood/ Sookie Stack house series and The Blindside. Sometimes I wonder if I make a point to read the books just so I can say "Oh I read the book first..."

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  11. That would be "Stackhouse" one word, not two. Apparently reading the books still makes me bad at typing.

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  12. Well, that's because the book is always better than the movie. :)

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  13. Agreed, the express lane kills me too, except for when I have 16 items that is. At that point, I give the look of death to those sizing ME up, hah.

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  14. I count express lane items all the time. I also always drop that I read the book. To anyone who will listen.

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  15. So how was the book? (Eat, Pray, Love)

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  16. I too am an express lane counter, but its okay to count and glare.

    I was once in line at a Wal-Mart on a Sunday (bad idea) when they were literally out of carts by the door (worse idea) and the lines were 10 carts long, and a lady behind me in line in the express lane walked up to the person in front of me (who had 28 items) and asked if they could read (yes), if they could count (yes), and then screamed "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THIS LINE!" and shoved their cart out of line.

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  17. you crack me up. please move to the coast so we can drink wine and talk in code together! i will drop every medical term possible in everyday speak. it makes people crazy. and the express lane overage pisses me off. i will stand right behind you and grunt, groan, and count out loud. i will make sure you get my point.

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  18. Alex Mack! Love that you made it a point to bring her up in this post.

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  19. That express lane nonsense gets me every time. What makes it even worse is that the stores allow that stupidity to continue. Then on the way home, so moron cuts you off in traffic only to break when no one is in front of them. Love the post!

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  20. Love #6! I do the same thing! Always. So funny. In fact, earlier someone posted on Facebook that they were going to see Eat, Pray, Love and i replied, "yeah, well I'm starting the book tomorrow."

    why is that necessary?!

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happy little comments!