Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Schizophrenic Conversations with Myself

Crazy-Lazy-Ass-Self:  ZOMG, ZOMG, ZOMG!

Rational-Thought-Self:  Sigh. Yes?

CLAS:  Do you spy what I spy?

  ShaToBu Waist-to-Knee Shaper

RTS: Ummmmm... another scrap of sausage casing that you like to call "shapewear"?

CLAS:  Not just ANY shapewear, but Shape-Tone-Burn Shapewear!  Shapewear that BURNS CALORIES just by virtue of being plastered to your ass!  ....  MAGIC Shapewear!  

RTS:  If by "magic," you mean "ludicrious," then...

CLAS:  You know I don't process big words quickly, but if by that hoity-toity L word, you mean SHEER GENIUS, then, yeah, you're right... which I think makes me right from the very beginning so we are back to MAGIC SHAPEWEAR!  

RTS:  There is nothing magic about the compression of vital organs.  Actually, it's the opposite of magic - It's physics.  

CLAS:  Um, yeah, I didn't take that in high school.  

RTS:  Pffffstttttttt...

CLAS:  Oh shut your pie hole, Judgey-McJudger-Pants.  You didn't take physics either.  We axed the optional fourth year of science and opted out of lunch so we could stay skinny and work at NWH Pharmacy in the gift shop with all the other cool girls, remember?  And then in college, we just registered for the same science classes that all the football players took... so our finals were all like What's your favorite icecream flavor and why?

RTS:  Hmmmmm....

CLAS:  ANYHOO.  These are based in science!  The Science of Dr. Denise Perron!  Who is a Doctor!  A Doctor who probably took lots of science classes so she could be a...

RTS:  ... Doctor?--

CLAS:  Yes!  

RTS:  -- of...?

CLAS:  Chiropractorness.  Chiropractortude.  Chiropractorstuff.  

RTS:  Sounds like a friend of "Doctor" Luke.  

CLAS:  Whatever.  I am so ordering these.

RTS:  Wait a tick there, sister.  Remember the Ab Belt?

CLAS:  Mine for only 8 easy payments of $26.95?  

RTS:  That's the one.  And you tried to convince your freshman year roomie to go Dutch on one after hiding your dorm phone in the freezer failed to stop the late night Papa John's order... again... for the fourth day in a row...?

CLAS:  That was a brilliant plan! 

RTS:  Until those class action suits started popping up with oodles of plaintiffs suffering from electrocution to the stomach.  

CLAS:  Well.  They probably had six pack abs under those third-degree burns... BEAUTY IS PAIN, WEAKLINGS!

RTS:  And what about the Shake Weight

CLAS:  I don't know what you're referring to.

RTS:  Oh come on.  

CLAS:  "Oh come on" what?

RTS:  That's what the Shake Weight Girl said.  

CLAS:  THEY ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE NEW YORK JETS SO SHUT IT SICKO.  

RTS:  Okay, I hate to mention it but... 

CLAS:  What?

RTS:  ... The Reebok EasyTones?

CLAS:   Uh, (a) I waited until they came out with a design that didn't look like something out of the Class of '93's Time Capsule, (b) I needed new tennis shoes any way, and (c) I think my ass actually does look firmer... see?

RTS:  Yeah, um, aren't you wearing Spanx?  

CLAS:  That's neither here nor there.  

RTS:  ---

CLAS:  And just think! If I was wearing the ShaToBus, I'd be burning 12% more calories while we're sitting here eating soft cheese and talking about the possibility of my ass maybe looking firmer!  

RTS:  You realize you've become a sad American cliche right? 

CLAS: Huh?

RTS:  Grrrrr, FINE.  Word Association Time... "Dental Surgery?" 

CLAS:  Oo!  Oo!  FIVE POUND WEIGHT LOSS!  FIVE POUND WEIGHT LOSS! 

RTS:  I rest my case.  

9 comments:

  1. LOL!

    My mom and her boyfriend bought shake weights. They... um... are worth it for the laughs from the video.

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  2. I am really bad about "stomach flu?" "well, at least I'll lose five pounds!". Terrible!

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  3. bah! i feel certain that i've had this EXACT convo with myself...

    ps... the jets totally rocked the shake weight. although i may or may not have used mine to dirty dance at a bachelorette party...

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  4. I feel the same way about dental surgery/the flu/general illness. Hey, if I can lose 5 pounds, then the misery is worth it, right? Yes, I am that vain.

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  5. The St. Elmo's Fire scene where he snaps her shapewear and laughs will forever keep me away from the stuff - no matter the caloric promises.

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  6. Is it bad that I still want these, maybe even MORE, after reading this?

    And I need new tennis shoes and I'm totally buying the Easy Tones.

    What?

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  7. You never cease to make me laugh during my lunchtime Google Reader perusal.

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  8. So hilarious. I have similar conversations with my CLAS.

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  9. OMG, you make me laugh! Love coming and reading your blog, so funny!

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happy little comments!