Monday, September 20, 2010

The Master List

There are Things - large and small - that People should tell you.  At a youngish age.  So you can get used to the idea of Things.

A Master List of sorts.

I don't know necessarily who these "People" are that should tell you Things.  

Parents.  Teachers. 

The President. 

Anonymous Writers of Poorly Illustrated Pamphlets.  

The Genius-Crazy Homeless Man with the Prophetic Cardboard Messages. 

El Arroyo's Marquee Sign. 

Someone.  Anyone.  WHOEVER.  

The "Things" portion of my oh-so-enigmatic blanket statement is a little easier...

There are moments of High School that will suck so incredibly hard that every molecule of your body will ache with angst. Even your hair.  And your spleen. This is normal; everyone feels this way.  And it will pass.
- Thank you, John Hughes. And Judy Blume.  Y'all will forever be my People. 

During childbirth, crimes against your vagina will occur that are unimaginable. These atrocities have fancy names, but what they really mean is OH HOLY FUCK OW.  
- I was 19 and the Future Doctor JAJO was taking some sort of terrible anatomy class.  There was a textbook with photographs.  Then there was a lot of Sutter Home.  Eight years later, I've somewhat come to terms with the concept... not to mention fully embraced the lifetime husband guilt-trip potential.  

Only masochists purchase homes.  Smart people forgo the tax benefits in favor of sanity.
- ....

Crickets.  

Why does NO ONE tell you this?  No one says There are butt-ass-crazy people out there and, by some trick of Unalienable American Rights, they are allowed to sell real estate.

No one says Guess what, legal eagles? Your dual-JDs will render you heartless sharks in the eyes of sellers.  Any minor contractual change you attempt to make will be viewed as a callous attempt to screw the pants off unassuming (butt-ass-crazy) senior citizens.

No one says During the (re)negotiation process, you will ugly-cry in your office.  You will ugly-cry and your only male colleague will catch you and that will be supremely awkward.  And then you will eat your feelings with a Brownie Batter Blizzard for lunch.  

 No one says these Things UNTIL you've signed a contract... THEN the horror stories come out.  Followed by the inevitable (and annoyingly chipper) "but it's SO worth it in the end!"  

Perhaps it's like High School (sometimes sucky) that led to college (fabulosity) or the lady-parts-limbo (see above, re: OH HOLY FUCK OW) that leads to a bambino (I am told these are pretty cool as well).

All I'm saying is IT'D BETTER BE.  Because I'm ugly-cried out.  And my hips can't take any more DQ Luncheons.  And I'd like to be turning cartwheels over this Exciting! Life! Milestone! but after all the set-backs we've had, I just can't get all Thrilled Pants until I have those keys in my hot little hands.  

In the meantime, let's just add Whining: Annoying, Counterproductive, but Oh-So-Satisfying to our Master List, shall we?  

17 comments:

  1. Oh shug! I am so sorry. Shoot me an e-mail if you want to vent.

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  2. I'm so sorry the house business is such a nightmare! I haven't bought a house yet (not for at least a few years), but appreciate the forewarning. Best of luck getting everything resolved! :)

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  3. Ugh. I am so sorry. We had to deal with a NIGHTMARE buyer in Austin - I can't imagine nightmare sellers. :( I totally understand the ugly crying and thankfully I'm pregnant so I had an excuse to stress eat. Hang in there! I would say maybe you could TP the sellers' house, but I guess that would be counterproductive? Hubs has also been informed that we are not moving for 25 years after the ridiculousness we went through!

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  4. Couldn't agree more with numbers 1 and 2 on your list. However, in regards to the house nightmare, thankfully my JD husband is somewhat timid and didn't dare disrupt the rules set before him on said contract. He did, however, read each and every painstaking word before signing a thing. What a long closing that was! Best of luck with everything.

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  5. Poor thing! I feel your pain...I just bought my first house (a foreclosure) and because it was a bank owned property every. single. thing. took weeks to accomplish. I'm a CPA and as such, a big proponent of the tax benefits of home ownership and I still almost threw in the towel a few times. Hope the process gets easier for you!

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  6. My mom is a realtor and she is always telling her clients that as far as stressful life moments go, moving is up there with death in the family and divorce. Of course, sometimes it goes more smoothly than others. It sounds like you're having a rough go of it. I'm sorry : (

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  7. sorry you're having a sucktastic time at this. we've moved three times so far and bought three houses and somehow got really lucky with no problems at all. but i've heard some horror stories. hope they quit dicking around with you guys soon and you have a happy "sunny" (hehe) home to call your own.

    and don't worry. i'll slap myself for mentioning the easy peasy times we've had. i can be obnoxious.. ;)

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  8. man, your house buying experience sounds like a nightmare! it's amazing how buying a house can go from super-easy-sign-the-contract-and-close to, well, what you're dealing with. i hope it gets better!

    the good thing is, when you make it to closing, that's it! they can't be all "oh. i didn't want that drapery rod to convey. GIVE ME BACK MY DRAPERY ROD." or at least i hope. (i'm no lawyer)

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  9. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but home ownership is pretty gruelling too. It's almost like the purchasing process is the test you have to pass to get you through the next 30 years of your life and/or mortgage. There are remodels, roof replacemens, tree diseases which lead to costly tree removals, unexpexted gas leaks, rat infestations in your yard, wasp infestations in your chimney, broken AC compressors, frozen AC compressors, electrical pannels that are well documented in causing house fires, plumbing leaks, pipes exploding out of your walls. And there's no landlord to call. Just you crumpled in front of your kitchen sink sobbing with a roll of plumbing tape, some ruined cabinets, and your husband accidentally shutting off the next door neighbor's water instead of your own. And I've only owned a house since 2007. And it had a rediculously clean inspection. The whole thing is insanity, enjoy your last days of freedom!

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  10. Horror story (truth from my own experience a few months ago, first home buying experience) you cant make this shit up! the man i bought my house from ended up in the hospital with dementia, turns out he was also an alcoholic who slept with his windows and doors open and never ran his AC hence the spiders! LOL hence the reason with a closing date of april we closed at the end of may, the day after he got out of the hospital! someone should tell you this shit for reals!

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  11. While I have no knowledge on buying a home... and dread the day I have to, the El Arroyo sign had a delightfully inappropriate message today referring to some unwanted side effects of being a Raider fan... let's just leave it at that ;)

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  12. Sorry you're having a rough time with the house!

    The real estate part of buying our (condo) home was easy -- the tough part was the loan process. It took 8 weeks for the loan to close and I ended up being HOMELESS for 3 weeks of it because I ended my apartment lease. Ooops. Then we got kinda screwed over on our loan. Now we want to renegotiate it -- but we don't have the equity to do so.

    But overall we love our condo, we love being homeowners, and it really is a great investment. We've have zero problems/unplanned home expenses, which is great (not jinxing myself here). So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!

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  13. hang in there!!! we went through a bit of shiizit when we bought ours and i had a face like a teenager but it was worth it in the end!

    now the baby part....mmmm...maybe thats why i'm childless at the moment bc birthing scares the shit out of me and i already have a pain-free birth plan for my non-exsistent children! haha!

    hope it gets better!

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  14. Sorry that becoming a home owner is sucking so royally. I'm a commercial real estate attorney and every once in a while I end up involved in a residential closing for a friend or client. Each and every time I regret it. Nothing ever goes as planned, mortgage companies are a nightmare, realtors can be hell to deal with - the whole process just blows. I'm so sorry it's been so tough for you guys. I hope things work out for you and that you end up in a beautiful home.

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  15. Ugh, so sorry. I wish I had some advice, or something to say, but I don't. Been there, done, that, made it out alive, and hopefully you will, too. :)

    In funnier news, this video always cracks me up because if SHE can ugly cry, that makes me feel a little better about when *I* ugly cry (which, unfortunately, is all the time- I'm not a pretty crier, at all, *ever*). I might even be ugly crying right now.

    *looks around for some tissues to wipe up the gallon of snot*

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  16. Aw, I'm so sorry to hear the house hunt is still sucking so badly. I know it's hard to believe right now, but the market in Dallas seems pretty good for buyers and there are lots of houses out there waiting to be bought and loved. Hopefully, you will find the perfect house for you and your hubs in the very, very near future. Of course, one of the things on the Master List that someone should tell you is that owning a house is like owning a money pit. Don't misunderstand -- it's great to own your own house, but they have a tendency to suck away all your disposable income when you least expect it. Anyway, my thoughts are with you and I'm sending good house-buying vibes your way!

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  17. I think I hinted at how ugly it can be - didn't I? I'm so sorry honey - I promise it will be worth it in the long run and it's a LOT like childbirth (from what I hear) - you won't remember the pain a year from now when you are snuggling up in your new home making chili and watching football. Promise.

    And if not, I'll buy you a Blizzard. :)

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happy little comments!