Wednesday, November 17, 2010

and now you will attempt to follow my train of thought.

I have a soft spot in my heart for gas station coffee.  TigerMart's "high octane" blend (with a shot from the cappuccino "soda fountain," if I was feeling fancified) carried me through three years of law school.  That and Target wine cubes Jesus.  With my favorite local coffee shop no longer on my morning route, I'm back in the convenience-store-coffee habit. Apparently 7:40 is high traffic for construction worker caffeination (not a real word / totally should be).  Based on my superior powers of snooping observation, it seems these tough dudes really love them some girly coffee beverages.  I watched three different guys in Dickies grab Slim Jims, taquitos, and... Peppermint Irish Creme Low Fat Lattes.  For some reason, this made me grin all the way to work.  

If I could rip out the voicebox of one person on earth without criminal or moral repercussions, I would be all over Kesha like a rabid hyena quicker than you can say doyouwannahaveaslumberpartyinmybasement.  At the very least, I'd risk an A&B charge for the chance to take a loofah and some Lye soap to her mug.  

Do you suppose Kate Middlebury looks over at William and thinks "thanks a bloody lot for waiting 9 blooming years to propose, you prat... one would think you could have put a bloody ring on it with a titch more haste... like, back when you were still dishy and before you jolly well resembled your nancy-boy father?"  

{I fancy myself brilliant at Britt-Speak.} 

The Boom is protesting her new surroundings.  After 3 years of near perfect toilet habits, the little twit took one look at our new slate patio, river rocked side yard, and 4 sq foot swath of fenced grass and was all "BITCH, PLEASE!  I'm a tee-tee ART-TEEEEST!  I need YARDAGE to thrive!"   And so, every morning, you can find me hopping around in my bare feet and snowman jammie pants, hissing "go!!! tee!!! tee!!!" praying the neighbors don't hear me pleading with a fourteen pound terrier boasting a brain the size of a keylime.  After ten minutes of helicopter pet parenting, the beast obliges me with the world's smallest piddle.  Then, the minute I step in the shower, she Regina-George-Boo-You-Whores me and pisses all over the carpet in the closet.

No one prepared me for the teenage years.   

19 comments:

  1. See I'm doing the same dance in our backyard and my dogs just refuse to go. and let's not even talk about if it's raining. no bueno.

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  2. At least you have a backyard. I'm all "good boy, go outside, go outside, good boy" shrieking right there on the sidewalk.

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  3. This has to be the most random post ever, but it kept me laughing all the way through!

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  4. Frank the puggle is constantly pushing his toys under the fence, which involves me hauling ass to the back of the fence in flannel PJs and uggs looking for a toy. This is not my life.

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  5. I fancy you as brilliant at Britt-Speak as well. That whole rant was too funny!

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  6. OK, 7-11 coffee got me through undergrad. Probably because it was across the street from my dorm. Literally. The bright lights would glow into my dorm room windows. Ohh Thank Heaven (PS. My former boss came up with that slogan when she worked at 7-11). ANYWAYS.

    Love the Britt speak rant. That's kinda what I was thinking. But hey, she gets to be a real life princess. Lucky bitch.

    Ella will not walk on grass to do her business. She must walk along the stone pathway to get to her "spot" in the yard. Damn primmadonna dog.

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  7. Brilliant Brit-speak. I am obsessed with that whole royal engagement situation. Love me some monarchy! And The Boom's poor tee-tee situation... oh man.

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  8. I love gas station coffee too -- it reminds me of when I was a young 21-year-old starting her first job, stopping by to get a cappuccino from the gas station every morning before work. Nowadays I stay away from it mostly because of the calories, but it holds a special place in my heart ;)

    And I heard one nanosecond of a Kesha song on the radio and turned the station as fast as I could. She is awful!

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  9. are boom and kylie long lost twins? because she did the SAME thing when we moved into our new house, except we have way more yard than before. so far the only advancement we've made in re-potty training is that we got dexter and he listens so occasionally she follows suit. we're thinking about getting a doggy door and barricading them in the tile-only areas because they refuse to pee in that area. then maybe we'll give them carpet advantage back. ugh, who knows. dog rebel teen years = major suckage.

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  10. I just love that even my father, the slightly gruff important businessman, tells the dogs that it's time to "go tee-tee" when he takes them out. Hee.

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  11. Max won't go in the back yard... No, he prefers the bushes in the front yard. So the neighbors get to see me in my snowflake pjs saying "Go pee. Go pee Max. Hurry up it's cold and people are judging."

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  12. The part about Kate and William just cracked me up!

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  13. You should try using positive reinforcement whenever she uses the bathroom outside. That's how we retrained our dog not to pee/poop inside the house. Only thing is, you have to have a constant supply of treats in your pocket and basically stand over them as they're using the potty and shove the treat in their face right after their done. Looks a bit sketchy if you're doing that in public.

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  14. Hilarious post! You had me laughing out loud. I love the Brit Speak and talks of scrubbing Ke$ha clean.

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  15. Oh that Boom! Might think about paying off some neighbors who have more grass to let the Boom "borrow" their yard. Maybe fresh baked cookies once a week?

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  16. Ugh. My 15lb monster has done the SAME thing, but I don't have a back yard. He's good if we're in the house (I think), but when we are out for the day he has to wear a doggie diaper.

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  17. I was thinking the same thing about Kate and Prince William. What happened to him!? He is not aging well at all. I feel you with the puppers...My yorkie and I are going through those teenage years as we speak.

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  18. I concur on the Kate & William engagement! He looked much cuter about two years ago. :)

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happy little comments!