Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My UnSuper Powers

I operate under the assumption that everyone has at least one.

My special-snowflake anti-talents follow thusly:

The Ability to Select the Slowest Checkout Line of the Bunch.

Clerk Shift Changes.  Cash Register Malfunctions.  Declined Credit Cards.  Poor Attempts at Underage Booze Procurement.  Unorganized Coupon Clippers. 

If I pick a seemingly short line at the market or mall, one of these commercial complications is sure to befall my chosen queue.  

The Power of Poor Panty Picking.

For the life of me, I cannot remember to put on decent underpants on days when someone might actually see them {re: doctor's appointments; spa outings, etc.} {do not re: table dancing}.  At my last OB checkup, the Underpinning Situation was so abysmal, I truly felt a verbal apology was in order.  

It was bad, ya'll.  Like Bridget Jones' First Sexual Grapple With Daniel Cleaver Bad.  

{Do not ask why I am so concerned with my Lady Parts Doctor's impressions of my unmentionables. Just chalk it up to my golden-retriever-like need to be liked... in all aspects of my personality and personal dress.}

The Gift of Having Baking Soda When I Need Powder and Vice Versa.

Does anyone even know the difference between the two?*  Shouldn't they just be interchangeable?*  Why don't I ever have both at the same time?***

* Rhetorical Question. 
**Rhetorical Question.
***Legitimate Query. 


There you have it folks.

My UnSuper Powers.

What might be some of yours? 

12 comments:

  1. How and why is the lady parts doctor seeing your panties? Aren't they already off? Have I been doing this wrong for years?

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  2. @jennifer - you mean you don't opt for the modesty pap smear? :) When I see her for simple prenatal appointments, she just listens to the baby's heartbeat so I don't even have to undress - just uses a doppler on my stomach... making the fugly underpants the star of the show!

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  3. I understand the ugly underpants. I have been known to get a wax job JUST FOR MY GYNO visit. This disturbs the mister to no end. I just have to able to hold my head up (or down I guess is more accurate) with pride.

    My UnSuper Power: Picking the seat on the Southwest flight next to the person in contention for chattiest passenger of the year. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It's like I'm a magnet. But, because I'm southern still at heart I will chat it up and smile through my frustration.

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  4. My not-so super powers:

    - Not waking up when my alarm goes off
    - Managing to get stuck alone with my mother in law for long, awkward periods of time every time we go visit.
    - Always leaving the oven on. ALWAYS. It is likely that I will burn the house down.
    - Managing to lose my classroom key and ID at least 3 times a week.

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  5. The slowest check out power? Merely an extension of my broader, more insidious one: the ability (given multiple drive-up teller lanes from which to choose, and carefully exploiting my logical powers to select the one that, QUITE CLEARLY WILL MOVE MOST EXPEDITIOUSLY) to select the one, the single one, that will ensure that I wind up tardy to my own flippin' funeral. I swear to God, the last time I went to the drive up teller, the guy next to me robbed the joint before the idiot in front of me deciphered a deposit slip. I later read he'd already been convicted about the time I concluded my banking business.

    IDIOTS!

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  6. I tend to pick the slowest check out line as well. It is frustrating sometimes!

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  7. My super power: bruising myself. I have the unfortunate combination of being a klutz (tripping over coffee tables, forgetting how wide that counter really is) and bruising like a peach, so I spend most of my time looking like I got in a brawl.

    Baking powder is actually made of baking soda, cream of tartar and cornstarch. If you're ever stuck with no baking soda, but those ingredients, you can get the ratio here: http://smittenkitchen.com/tips/make-your-own-baking-powder/

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  8. Love it! My unsuper powers are:

    - The Great UPS Optimism Blindspot. I tend to wait patiently for packages that never arrive. Most people just go about their business... not this girl. I'm actually using this one right now.

    - The Power of Unsight. I'm always looking for an object that is right next to me. Where is my phone? Oh it's in my hand. Or worse- I'm on it. Or I can't find my keys and they are actually in my purse... where I have already looked 5 times.

    - The Ability to Answer the Phone as Awkwardly as Possible. Lately when I pick up the phone and someone asks "Is Kate there?" I don't know what to say to let them know that I am Kate, so I stutter and am just like "hi?" It's weird.

    I'm sure there are more. But these are the most pressing right now.

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  9. Never fails: My ability to take out my contacts before I have successfully located my glasses! (Which are then impossible to find with limited vision)

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  10. Remembering I left my flat iron/curling iron on approximately 30 minutes after leaving the house.

    Thinking I'm picking the fastest lane on the Hwy only to be thwarted by an elderly, a large truck with a load of branches mysteriously not blowing out, or a person driving a retired police car (black and white but no lights) which everyone around him mistakes for highway patrol and therefore drives 5 under to avoid a ticket.

    My final unsuper power is making a grocery list and either omitting a key ingredient all together or straight up ignoring it on the list, only to remember it 1 mile down the road.

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  11. I also always having a baking power / soda situation. I've been known to use the baking soda thats in my fridge, de-stinking it, and use it in cookies. I wouldn't recommend it!

    BTW, thanks soo much for the Napa recommendations! We had a stinking blast!!!

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  12. i have said the exact same thing about myself being a golden retriever!!

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happy little comments!