Tuesday, January 6, 2009

bride wars

nope - not the movie (although i'm currently concocting bribes and trickery to induce Evs into seeing it with me this weekend)... i'm talking about something kinda, well, icky.

i'll first start off by saying that i've thought a lot about this topic over the last 24 hours and this post is in no way aimed at anyone in particular - i'm probably way too old to play middle-school, passive-aggressive games with the gods of the internets! however, my thoughts on this subject were spurned by this post by the Meg over at A Practical Wedding.

now, i love reading me some A Practical Wedding - Meg always keeps the wedding planning process in perspective and shares beautiful, unique, creative weddings. and this particular post, i agree with 99%! but i was a bit taken aback by the comment "I am of course not suggesting that we all drop our practical plans and run out and arrange to serve tri-tip, wear Vera Wang, and buy Christian Louboutin's. Ick."

now, i don't even know what the hell "tri-dip" is, but i know my vera and my c. lous - i admire the former and have flirted (and one day hope to have a close, personal relationship) with the latter. that "Ick" made me sad.*** and here's why...

... when did there become 872 ways for "my wedding to be superior your wedding"? there's platinum weddings and budget weddings and green weddings and DIY weddings and non-traditional weddings... the list goes on and on. i'm not saying these things are bad - i think they're great! i love seeing how others celebrate their marriage - every wedding i see, be it a back yard brunch or a swanky affair at the ritz, i take something away - some little idea, or feeling, or attitude.

and as someone who is neither a "budget bride" or a "platinum bride" (and whose DIY skills are stretched to their limit by the mere thought of creating a simple program comprised of 1 piece of double-sided cardstock... with no bow), i've often struggled with where my wedding fits in... and i find myself making excuses on both sides of the table ("my dress is designer but..." or "i can't afford chivari chairs but...").

i think the problem is that we've all (even moi) started judging other brides who aren't ____ enough (or too ____). and i think that's what Meg IS saying in her post - even if i (maybe unfairly) focused on the one tiny (icky) contradiction.

i think that needs to stop. i think its lame and a waste of time and energy. and, like all journeys, i shall start will a single step: me.

so, whether you're a green bride, a DIY bride, a platinum bride, a budget bride, a MS Weddings reader, a vera/c. lou wearer... etc, etc... here are my hopes for you, fellow brides and brides-to-be:
  • that your wedding be exactly the way you want it to be
  • that you acheive your dream day without compromising your principles - whatever they may be
  • that you stop comparing your wedding to others' and that you stop caring what others will think of yours
  • that you stop judging fellow brides' decisions - if they're not doing it the way you're doing it, so freakin' what? as we learned in kindergarden, life would be pretty boring if we were all the same!
  • that you remember all the people who helped get you to this day in one piece - your family, your friends, your wedding party, your fiance (oh right! him!) - and that you treat them with kindness and respect throughout this crazy planning process
  • and most of all, that you remember that the wedding does not make the marriage. as my fabulous Aunt Joy is fond of saying "weddings are great - but then you actually have to be married!"
okay. the end. off my soapbox and on to some DVR'ed Real Housewives of Orange County... so i can aim my Judging Laser Beam elsewhere.

***again, this is in NO WAY a personal attack on A Practical Wedding, or anyone else... just my thoughts and feelings! sorry for the repetitive c.y.a. commentary - the people-pleaser / attorney in me gets a little nuts in these situations.


  1. A.M.E.N.

    I too struggled with this...i had no idea where our wedding fit in...we were a mix of budget, DIY, platnium (designer dress and rings), and green...sometimes it all just got too much!

    I LOVED you list!!

  2. good post! (the word "amen" also crossed my mind)

  3. i heart this philosophy and i heart you for posting it. this might be one for the re-posting books.

  4. I completely agree with you, Kate. I love that blog, too - but I was taken aback by the exact same sentence. I completely cheer on a "practical" stance and think it's necessary and welcome given all the outlandish things going on in the wedding world, but as you say, how boring if we all had the same definitions of practical. We're inspired and repelled by different things, and as long as we're true to ourselves, that's what counts. We don't have to fit a certain definition, or even be consistent. I want to rock some Louboutins, but I don't think that makes me an impractical bride in the scheme of things. I just know what I like. And it's hot shoes, a handwritten ceremony, no cakes or poufs, no "Planner," and sure, a designer dress. But no categories, please.

  5. Thank you thank you thank you. This has always been my point! I've always been a bit thrown by how it's OK to comment/criticize an "expensive" or apparently not "practical" wedding, but if somebody were to criticize a cheaper/budget or "practical" wedding all hell would break lose. It doesn't seem fair. We're far from planning a platinum re-wedding, but I know we're over most budgets. We're spending only what we have to...to have the night we want. I think that is one of the more practical things I've done lately. :)

  6. OMGosh Kate. I love this post. Kinda puts things back into perspective, in that your wedding is your wedding and it can be whatever you want. No matter what anyone..*cough* Mom & certain 'friends' *cough* thinks it should be. I might be rereading this post later. =)

  7. I agree for sure!! I second everything you said. As long as each person has what they want for their wedding...all is good!! No one should judge anyone!!

  8. AMEN, was the first word that came to mind! I hate how girls are always judging each others wedding. I admit I do it too. Don't we all!?! But I do try to pick out the things that I love about someones wedding. Its their special day and who am I to judge every little thing!

  9. Very well said, and a good reminder for Judgy McJudgerson here.

  10. I've always wanted to write this post (and never did) and you win for being the coolest. I would have been so critical and rude in writing it that I never got around to it. But yay! I think it's okay for those who can afford it to have platinum weddings and those who want to have something simpler to do their own thing. I think we all hate the way the wedding industry tries to tell us the way things "should" be, but if we start labeling brides who choose Vera for their dress as the ENEMY are we really any better off?

  11. Totally agree, I've felt so alienated from these my wedding is "green" and "DIY" etc. when isn't it supposed to be about you and what you want and how it reflects you as a couple. We aren't DIY, so why should we feel bad when our wedding isn't?


happy little comments!