Tuesday, October 6, 2009

helpful tips 101

last night i made a seriously exciting discovery... there are TIES on the inside of my duvet cover that connect to the LOOPS on the corners of my down comforter, ensuring that the duvet STAYS IN PLACE and doesn't shift or bunch.  ummmmmmmmm, why did no one tell me this?  i've spent YEARS battling the bunchy duvet every morning, bemoaning the glorious photo spreads in Pottery Barn, asking the god (little 'g') of housewares why my duvet never lived up!

this is the type of information that needs to be parachuted into your window (or Harry Potter owl-style-delivery, perhaps) on the day of high school graduation.  or better yet, THIS is the shit that needs to be taught in some mandatory elective course prior to the obligatory mortar board toss.  because really, did Ceramics II get you anywhere in life?

Helpful Tips 101: Syllabus
  • Fantasy Football & You: How to Impress Colleagues You Don't Really Care about Impressing
  • The Minimum Balance: Why Your Parents Weren't Just Trying to be Assholes about Credit Cards
  • Fitted-Sheet Folding: A How-To Seminar**
  • Jungle Boogie: Is this Trashcan Punch Roofied, or Just Delicious?
  • A Memo from Your Metabolism: Stop Fucking Me Up
**i'm accepting guest-speaker applications for this one.  i will be in the front row, taking notes, with color-coded pens, and a video camera.

34 comments:

  1. BWAHAHAHAHA. this post was fantastic. i actually use a safety pin on my duvet because even the ties come undone.

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  2. Maybe one of your Helpful Tips classes can be a guest blog on my how to Tuesday? Hmmmmm? :)

    I want to find out answers to all of these questions. all. of them.

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  3. I would sign up for all of these continuing ed classes. We don't have ties on our duvet but did purchase these magical $5 thingies from BB&B that attach and keep it in place. Amazing.

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  4. hehehe, so true! there are so many things I wished I learned before graduating and entering the real world....

    we have the magical things that It Is Everlasting speaks of. they are lifesavers!

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  5. Folding the fitted sheet isn't too terribly complicated. It seems like something that is passed down from generation to generation though. I never knew how to do it until my mom showed me 6 months ago!

    As far as the other things - I am waiting on the edge of my seat for them!

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  6. I learned a long time ago how to fold a fitted sheet. So useful!

    Slip your hand into two corners of the sheet, top side facing you. (either top or sides, doesn't matter)
    With one hand inside each of the top two corners, fold the sheet over on itself(right sides together).
    Slip each of the top corners into one of the bottom corners. Now you have the under side of the sheet facing you on top.
    Lay sheet on bed or sofa. Arrange and fold the corners neatly. Turn in loose edges enough to make four straight sides.
    Fold in half, then in half again. (All four corners will be stacked together, and sheet will be in a long strip.
    Then fold the long strip in half, then in half (or thirds, depending on the size of the sheet) again to make a square.
    Sheet should be a compact, neat square.
    Smooth and place on shelf. Ta da!

    Admittedly, it takes a few times to get the hang of it, but now I'm pretty quick and don't dread folding sheets. :)

    I'd like to sign up for the other classes though!

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  7. Hilarious. Another good topic: Be a Considerate Roommate: How to operate a vacuum and clean the shower.

    Love the jungle boogie topic. :) Does it come complete with those testing coasters they had on Veronica Mars?

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  8. This is why I purchased a tufted comforter instead of a duvet and duvet cover when we got our new bedding. I fight with duvet covers even with the ties. So annoying!

    And the fitted sheet thing kills me.

    How about changing a flat tire? Yep, can't do it.

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  9. First off, I am no help. I want to be very clear about that. Second, my Mom were watching The Queen Bee, Martha, one morning and she happen to do a segment on folding fitted sheets. I ran to my room and followed along. This was a while back, but I was able to find these link...

    http://www.marthastewart.com/article/how-to-fold-a-fitted-sheet

    Hope this helps and Happy Folding!

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  10. HA! Sign me up :)


    PS My word verification is bungug. Where DO they come up with this stuff.

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  11. I will be enrolling in all of the above please.

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  12. I watched a Martha Stewart about folding sheets - she went through it and it helps me every time! I should look for it for ya.

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  13. Whoa, I didn't know this either! I am so glad you filled me in. It always bugs me too.

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  14. google: martha stewart + folding flat sheets. She has a great tutorial that should help you out.... practice it and perfect it and then wow all your friends!

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  15. HAHAHAHAHA so funny! Duvets with down comforter inside feel delish to be snuggled underneath but they are so annoying!! Mine always looks so wrinkled too :( Blast!

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  16. hahaha i am TOTALLY enrolling. how timely. i just figured out the duvet ties last weekend too (good to know i'm not the only one!), and it. changed. my. life. literally. not even exaggerating. i feel you!!!

    and also...i'm pretty sure the fitted sheet thing is physically impossible...i've even tried the martha tutorial to no avail. fortunately, my husband turns the sheets into a wrinkled mess simply by glancing at them, so trying to keep them looking nice is an exercise in futility anyway...

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  17. really? ties?!! guess what I'll be doing as soon as I get home this evening!

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  18. I can teach the fitted sheet class. It was one of two important life lessons learned working for Target. The other = just because you have an employee discount doesn't mean you have to use it. Everyday.

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  19. My ties on my Pottery Barn duvet always come undone. Of course, I did break one of the ties off in a fit of pique while attempting to pull my covers over my head and hide from the world.

    The memo from my metabolism was not received until the ripe old age of 24. Plenty of time to completely fuck mine up for sure!

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  20. yes please! Sign me up for fitted sheet folding and A Memo from your Metabolism!
    Oh and how about, WHY when you mother tells you to start wearing moistureizer... its already too late..
    too funny!

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  21. Hilarious!

    While on the bedding topic, here's a few more:

    -To make sure the duvet dries evenly and to eliminate the feathers from clumping, throw a couple of tennis balls in the dryer with the duvet.

    -Found these helpful tacks at Bed Bath & Beyond http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=10995680&RN=404
    They help to keep your dust ruffle from bunching or laying on the floor if it's too long (like mine), and make sure your box spring stays covered. Genius!

    -If you have a tufted/fabric headboard, use a lint roller to keep it dust free. Super easy.

    Loving your blog!

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  22. Oh my gosh! This post is hilarious!

    Agreed and noted. :)

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  23. I prefer the stuff the fitted sheet on the shelf method. Folding is over rated.

    But no really I need help on all mentioned items.

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  24. the fitted sheet - bane of my existence

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  25. What a glorious post! Sign me up!

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  26. HAHA! This is so funny! I wish that my duvet had the same things in it, but it doesn't and it bunches! Good to know though since I have my eye on the Painterly Paisley from PB for our wedding registry (granted it is still there in about 1.5 years...if not I might just buy it and not register for it) It is so pretty!

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  27. I had no idea PB was so clever! I'm going to have to check to see if my duvet has that!

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  28. A big time Ditto Joiner on the fitted sheet thing... my mother-in-law does it like a pro, and she has even showed me how, but I'm fairly convinced she uses magic.

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  29. I'm all over the fitted sheet folding. It's a secret I don't know if I'm allowed to share

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  30. Like MM, I safety pin.

    And I have A Method for the fitted sheet. I will tell you about it.

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  31. fitted sheets are the bane of my existence - my mom folds them like as easily as folding a pillow case but despite multiple lessons it confounds me - i make the man do it and even though it's not as neat as my mom's at least it isn't my problem anymore

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  32. Martha Stewart does a good how to on fitted-sheet folding. She makes it real simple. I think you can just search it on her website.

    She basically says that you (1) take the sheet, flat on your bed, upside down. Then (2) fold the edges with the elastic inward, toward the middle so that you create 90 degree angles, and (3) fold like a regular rectangular sheet.

    This method works-- you just need a little patience the first time to get it right. It's simple though, if this doesn't work for you let me know.

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  33. Oh, hilariousness...

    I got the fitted sheet-folding lesson from my mother growing up. I got the Jungle Juice lesson (AKA "Don't Eat the Fruit 101) from my aunt and uncle before going off to college. Clearly, I paid no attention to the latter mini-seminar.

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  34. Love it! I just found this out a couple of months ago. I always wondered what thos ties were doing inside of my duvet cover. And I too would love a course on how to fold a fitted sheet! I saw a presentation on this in college, but didn't pay attention. Now my fitted sheets are wadded up and thrown in the linen closet :(

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happy little comments!