Tuesday, March 16, 2010

its all in the spin

{WARNING: Spoiler Alert!  re: Horror Films}

I like scary movies... books... shows.  Love them, actually.  Always have (Are You Afraid of the Dark, anyone?) and I assume I always will.  

This affinity coexists rather beautifully with my ability to rationalize almost anything.  {$600 shoes?  Investment Pieces.  Allocating 1/3 of the grocery budget to designer cheeses?  Osteoporosis Prevention.}  Put another way?  Its highly probable that I would be a huge-ass weenie were I incapable of talking myself into nonsensical reasons why I could not possible be sliced-n-diced a la [Insert Horror Movie Victim Here].  

Some Classic Illustrations:

The Exorcist.  Even at the tender age of 11 (why Mom, why?), Linda Blair, her projectile vomiting, man-voice, and raunchy interludes with the crucifix gave me no pause.  Because, OBVIOUSLY, I don't know any priests masquerading as archeologists that might dig up hexed amulets.  DUH. 

Psycho.  Two Words: Trip. Advisor.  

Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I do have a terrible sense of direction... but that's why Jesus invented GPS. 

The Shinning.  The Shinning actually did result in some sleepless nights during 7th grade... mostly because my father has more than a few Nicholson-esque mannerisms.  Locking my bedroom door for a month and vehemently opposing any family vacays involving antiquated hotels in frigid locales did the trick.  Also... Trip Advisor. 

Silence of the Lambs... a/k/a My Favorite Flick of All-Time.  (a) Hello!?!  I am most def. as charming as Clarice Starling!  Hannibal and I would TOTALLY banter wittily and exchange beloved recipes.  Escape for HL wouldn't cause my brow to scrunch in the least... I'd probably get some sexy letterpress calling cards out of the deal!  (b) Because of SotL (and the full-on cornucopia of Lifetime Movies detailing the tactics of Mr. Ted Bundy), I know fully well that one doesn't help seemingly-disabled unkempt men by climbing in their windowless "Child Molester Vans" with one end of a fugly couch.  Hell, Silence of the Lambs is practically a Don't-Abduct-Me-PSA.  (c) So long as my hips don't expand past the "A Grown Man Could Skin Us and Sport Us as Hot Pants" limit, I'm pretty much golden. {Did you hear that Cadbury Cream Eggs?  You stay away, Murderous Facilitators!}

... and a few Modern Exampes:

The Ring.  As far as I know, "Collection of Random Yet Terrifying Images" is not in my Netflix Queue.  Plus, CALLER ID.  

28 Days Later.  I don't live in London.  {That's the best I could do with that one... that movie is actually quite alarming.}

The Sixth Sense.  Kudos to Haley Joel and all... I, however, do not see dead people. 

The Orphan. {Far and away the freakiest movie I've seen since RJB and I rented a string of flicks back in law school that probably landed us on the FBI's Potential Psychos to Watch List.}  Note to Self: Do not adopt a nine year old from Russia.  If you do, perhaps make sure that she is, in fact, a child and not a demonic whore with a genetic disorder and an penchant for pornographic finger painting.  

Paranormal Activity...

Its come to this.  A really, really, really lame movie has bested me.  Well, to be precise... a really, really, really lame movie bested me in its last 2 minutes and 11 seconds and/or with its alternate ending.  I am now convinced that a demon or one of the REALLY BIG DUSTBUNNIES under our bed will surely possess me and subsequently force me to carve out Evs' innards.  Then [ME] (The Demon Dustbunny) will either disappear or slit my own throat... depending on whether the Demon Dustbunny watched the alternate ending.  I have to say, I'm not crazy about either option.  

I've been wracking my brain for a reason why a satanic force would NOT choose to occupy my body and thus far, all I can come up with is...
  • Perhaps Demons are all exceptionally fanatical members of the Moral Majority and therefore punish only those who are living in sin?  [this one only works if my marriage protects me retroactively from past sin-livin']  OR
  • Demons target only those with terrible taste in home furnishings... particularly collectors who tend towards Pier One's shoddier Asian replications. 
Hmmmm... I think we're safer with the latter.  Unless Demons abhor "Pottery Barn Kitsch"... Then we are so fucked.  

Oooo!  Now we totally HAVE to replace the Adult Cowboy Furniture! {Demonic Homicide Prophylactic.

10 comments:

  1. I am the biggest weenie ever, and cannot see horror movies. Seriously I don't sleep very well anyway, and then add that to an over-active imagination. No way.

    I do belive in expensive osteoporosis prevention though!

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  2. What about if demons are only willing to possess you if you are trying to catch them with a night vision camera? Thus, no night vision cameras = no demons...


    And I think that scary movies are awful, I hate even seeing the covers, it's actually why I don't go to blockbuster anymore, just looking at a scary cover, paired with the 3 seconds of preview I might see before I realize what the commercial is for and fast forward it will give me nightmares... It seems like I am in the minority b/c the last time I was at a blockbuster there were 3 or 4 new horror movies out for every 1 new normal movie....

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  3. HATE HATE HATE scary movies. I was at a movie night at a friends place and the movie was the Ring. I bailed as soon as they opened the closet and that girl from General Hospital had that horrible face.

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  4. I love horror movies but have spent a good amount of time after seeing some freakier ones (The Omen, Saw, and Rosemary's Baby to name a few) convincing myself why they are so ridiculous and would absolutely never happen to me. And I spent a better part of my childhood terrified of Freddy Kruger (thanks Mom!) until I finally saw every one of the Nightmare movies in college. High comedy if you haven't seen them all!

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  5. Haha, great post and i freakin' love scary movies!

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  6. I love scary movies, and that last bit of Paranormal Activity really did me in too. My puppy has taken to peering out of our bedroom door in the middle of the night, and I'm fairly convinced it's the demons.

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  7. Your blog makes me giggle!

    I've been too chicken to see Paranormal Activity yet, but I really want to.

    I like Rosemary's Baby for the 60s shift dresses and swell production design... :)

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  8. I haven't seen the last two movies on your list, but now I kinda want to!

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  9. Paranormal Activity was shot a couple houses down from my sister's friend's house in San Diego. True. Story.

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happy little comments!