Monday, March 22, 2010

say what?

This is one of those moments where I feel I should have 893 Ridiculously Hilarious Things to Say on the following subject matter... but for some reason, I can only bring myself to state the facts.  Perhaps this phenomenon is simply the result of the complete and utter AWESOMENESS of the subject matter (and by AWESOMENESS, I mean... AWESOMENESS), thus rendering any outside commentary useless. 

No biggie.  The reality is this: 

There is a documentary - possibly on your television, right this very second - entitled "Sizing Up Sperm."  

[dramatic pause]

If your reaction to this news is somewhere in the neighborhood of "ummm, mmmmkay Kate, that's great and all but there are like a gabillion lamesauce educational programs where some Boring British Dude drones on and on until sex becomes absolutely unsexy and that's no fun - plus, I'm more interested in Lands' End Canvas coupon codes, so if you don't have anything useful to share, stop clogging up my damn Google Reader!"... then Sing It, Sista, 'cause you are in the same camp I was in a mere 24 hours ago before life as I knew it changed. 

Yes, S.U.S. is narrated by a British Dude.  I'll give you that.  And yes, its a rather Boring British Dude (why can't they get Mr. Darcy to narrate sex-ed videos, huh?  Or James Bond!  Or at least someone whose played cricket with Prince Harry.).

But. 

BUT!!!  {and, obviously, here's the clincher!}

The Boring British Dude isn't merely gabbing along with some cheap tadpole graphic... BBD is CHRONICLING the DEATH-DEFYING JOURNEY of sperm via LIFE-SIZED ANALOGY. 


That's right my friends.  Those are Sperm-People you see.  And where might those Sperm-People be?  Why that's Vagina Valley, of course! 

{like an episode of Fraggle Rock on LSD and Viagra, 
the Sperm-People lay in wait, cuddled together, testicle-style}

According to NatGeo: "Its the most extreme race on earth - a contest with 250 competitors, only one winner, and relentless obstacles thrown in for good measure.  The Great Sperm Race tells the story of human conception as its never been told before, as helicopter-mounted cameras, CGI and dramatic reconstruction bring to life the extraordinary journey of sperm, from ejaculation to egg - scaled up to human size, with the sperm played by real people."


Just let that sink in for a bit...

(if you can get past the atrocious run-on sentence and asinine punctuation in that description).  

{antibodies attack! go Vagina, go!}

{mucus ladders. VOM}

{honestly, I don't know what the eff is going on here... 
but it appears that all woman have a replica atrium from Office Space inside their cervix}

I mean, is there really much else left to say?  


Except that I hope our future baby isn't the result of this guy shoving his way to the top of the gene pool... I mean (a) don't be such a pushy asshole, okay?  (b) Try a laxative.  And (c) no child of mine shall be raised sans a deep and spiritual knowledge of volumizing shampoo.

Good News for You: Sizing Up Sperm replays Tuesday, April 13 at 7 p.m.  Fire up your DVR, kiddos. 

32 comments:

  1. Absolutely horrendous. I must watch. Bless you for bringing such hilarity into my life.

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  2. Oh my goodness. How'd they get funding for this program??

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  3. Haha... this show can't be as awesome as this hilarious commentary. Or can it...

    Tivoing now.

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  4. ohmigosh I love Fraggle Rock.

    come see me at secretwifelife.blogspot.com

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  5. REALLY? Cable TV amazes me sometimes. It's absurd, and yet so wonderful, all at once!

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  6. HAHA! Fraggle Rock on LSD and Viagra...that must be the greatest line ever written on a blog!

    Kate, maybe they should ask YOU to narrate! I'd think we'd all be in for a good laugh!

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  7. haha! I totally watched part of this the other day! And I couldn't have possibly illustrated it better. This should be shown in schools. But then again, kids might think sperm are little people and vaginas have office space.

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  8. GROSS. Grosser than I could've even imagined.

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  9. Ha! I'm definitely setting my dvr for this one. I heard the NPR story about it and was cracking up ... the music and descriptions of the sperm men alone were killing me! But now seeing them? Wow.

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  10. OMG that is awesome...i will be Dvr'n that shit....mr and i will have a couple of drinks and laugh our asses off...

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  11. Whoa! Perhaps they should show this in sex ed class for high schoolers. It just might be creepy enough to encourage them to think twice...

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  12. This is thoroughly disgusting. *runs off to set DVR immediately*

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  13. Can I just ask who reponds to the posting in the newspaper to be cast in this? Just out of curiousity of course.

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  14. OMG..this is exactly what I needed to start my day.. you are hilarious!

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  15. I too am amazed, disgusted, and setting my DVR.

    ".. no child of mine shall be raised sans a deep and spiritual knowledge of volumizing shampoo." - I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Hilarious commentary once again, Kate!

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  16. Once I stopped laughing, I could finally write a comment! I have to imagine that said boring British guy comments with extreme enthusiasm like what he's saying is the most insightful words to ever be spoken. I have to imagine this is hilarious, cannot wait to watch!

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  17. First, who funded this? Second, do all of these "actors" put this little project on their resume? Third, was this made to give us a new found respect for sperm? Weird.

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  18. I would love to see how the actors describe this role on their resumes.....

    "Sperm # 9,478"

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  19. Bhahaha! Thank you for making my day. And for giving my co-workers a reason to look into my office awkwardly why I crack up. Yup, you just made my day!

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  20. ...Oh my dear lord.

    I have to say lack-of-volume-constipated-guy made my morning. That's something, right?

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  21. how...do I not know about this already! consider my dvr set!

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  22. I can't even...

    I don't know what to...

    Just ick!

    But thank you so much for the laugh while at work, loving that aspect!

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  23. Dying over here. Don't even know what to say, really - Damn Kate, you've done it again.

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  24. Wow, that is hilarious. I almost died laughing when I got to the circled picture of the potential sperm. yikes

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  25. WOW. Just wow.

    Thank you for the pictures! :)

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  26. tears streaming from extreme laughter- just FYI

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  27. Holy Wha???!!!And yet, strangely curious now.

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  28. Every so often, something comes along that makes me regret our decision to give up cable. This post is one of those things.

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happy little comments!