Tuesday, July 13, 2010

scaredy cat

While I wouldn't describe myself as "fearless," there aren't many things that make me squawk like a chicken.  

I'll ride rollercoasters until I'm blue in the face - been like that since I was a kid.  {Apologies for all those times I made you ride the Super Loop over and over again at the rodeo, Dad!}  Upside-down, loop-dee-loop, whirl-me-like-a-dervish, drop-me-like-a-bad-habit - I love them all!  

Flying?  Got that.  Heights?  Got that.  Combing the two with a little skydiving?  Got that, too.  

I might screech when a Creepy Crawly makes a surprise appearance, but then I'll usually suck it up, squash the too-many-legged asshole, and flush it.  

Tornados / Thunderstorms / Extreme Southern Weather of Any Kind?  Growing up in Texas cured that whole shebang.  

Yes, there are some typical-ish things that make my heart beat a little faster (and not in a I-just-saw-Javier-Bardem-in-the-Eat-Pray-Love-preview sort of way)... clowns and large numbers of birds of any type flocked together are the examples that come to mind...  but most scenarios that make me shudder, squeeze my eyes tight, and hightail it under the covers are, um, 100% IRRATIONAL RIDICULOSITY.  

Exhibit A: 

As a child, I was convinced that the moment I fell asleep, my parents would disappear.  Not be murdered in their beds.  Not abandon me on purpose.  Just... POOF!... disappear and never return.  Perhaps I saw this on an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I dunno, but I was terrified to shut my eyes.  I used to ask my mom to "bang the pots and pans" in the kitchen so that I could tell she was still there.

Nothing like an overwrought child who requests a loud dish-washing session in lieu of a lullaby.  My poor parents probably wished they would disappear.  To the Land of Peaceful Nighttime Television Viewing.

Exhibit B:

You know when a toddler falls down and they don't really realize what's happened for a second? And then it's all "(Pause) (Pause) WAAAAAAH!"?  That's kind of what happened to me my freshman year at Wake.  First semester, I took to college like a fish to water... and then, after the excitement of deferred rush wore off in late January, I was kind of like "holy shit, I'm in college... I CANNOT HANDLE THE CHANGE!"  Which apparently manifested into becoming completely petrified that, if I got in my car and drove somewhere - anywhere, all of the traffic lights would turn green at the same time and everyone on the road would careen full throttle into one another.  I bummed A LOT of rides that semester. 

Riiiiight, crazy-pants.

Exhibit C: 

So I no longer fear my parents will be whisked away to some Lost-like Other Vortex.  And my confidence in traffic signals has been restored (although the potholes on Lemon may prove to be the death of me).  I would love to think I've gracefully matured past Nonsensical Panic Mode.

Au Contraire Mon Frere.

This morning I busted out the crock pot.  I reluctantly dumped in a ragtag assortment of leftovers and pantry staples and apprehensively set the timer for 8 hours.  I worried over the state of that appliance All. Damn. Day.  Not of the contents inside / outcome of the slow-cooking.  Oh no. 

Hello, my name is Kate, and I am terrified that my crock pot will explode.**

For the reals, y'all.  EXPLODING CROCK POTS!  I have no clue where this comes from.  As far as I know, this has never occurred in The Actual Universe.  Did I absorb too many weird products liability fact patterns back in Torts?  Is there a Maniacal Slow Cooking Character that I'm not remembering from The Brave Little Toaster?

Who knows what lurks in the depths of my psyche, but I can just picture the thing spontaneously bursting into flames and burning down the cottage with The Boom trapped inside.  A fiery, puppy-killing inferno perpetrated by a kitchen gadget.  Every time I cook with it, I obsessively check my phone to make sure Nosy Neighbor Lady hasn't called to inform me that all our possessions have been reduced to ash along with The World's Most Neurotic (and Most Precious) Terrier.

And yet I continue to make pot roast at least twice a month.  Because it's finger-lickin-good and requires the culinary skills of a starfish.

But I've got my eye on your, Crocky.

Anyone else out there have irrational boogiemen? 

{**Truth be told, our crock pot is pretty badass.  Save for the fact that it could very possibly KILL US IN OUR SLEEP if I forget to unplug it.} 

25 comments:

  1. I have a fear that ceiling fans will fall from the ceiling and chop my head off. I got that fear from what I heard about Twilight Zone the Movie. Freaky stuff.

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  2. I have the same paranoia with our crock pot. I REFUSE to leave the house if it is on.

    I am also crazy obsessed with checking to make sure EVERYTHING is unplugged when we go on vacation...as if the lamp that has been plugged in the wall for three years will choose the one weekend that we flee the state to start a fire that burns down our house. Irrational?..yes.

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  3. Hey Kate, I'm new to the public bloggy world. I've been lurking around your site for a while and I love it! I decided to come out of the shadows when I started my own blog a few weeks ago at halfaworld.wordpress.com.

    I have totally irrational fears about practically everything when it comes to "things that could possibly-maybe kill my puppy (a little maltipoo). Daily, I manage to conjure up some crazy idea as I leave for work about what might kill my dog today... food, a glass object she somehow manages to tip over, horizontal blind cords... you name it. She's been living in my house for over a year now and hasn't managed to kill herself yet, but I still worry everyday anyway. What can I say, I'm totally a dog mom...

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  4. Cannot stop repeating

    "CROCK POT OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

    in my head!

    "......DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

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  5. Aw, you're just describing the baby stages of my old friend OCD. You should hear some of my crazies!

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  6. Where do I start?

    Crockpot being on when I am not at home.

    My teeth all falling out (not sure what the hell that's about).

    Being smothered in my sleep by an intruder but not my own husband when I snore like a SOB.

    On and on and on......

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  7. You're so funny! My Crockpot is on as we speak and you have offically given me the bug...now I am worried about it blowing up, ha! If you don't hear anything on the national news about the "First case of a Crockpot blowing up in a young girls' kitchen in Florida" then it made it through the day without me :)

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  8. Dude, with a crockpot that nice I'm pretty sure you could cook up the cure for cancer in there (low setting for eight hours, of course).

    Now crockpot DANGER? That would be mom in her "BRB," which stands for Big Red Buick, driving from Raleigh to the farm with a power strip plugged into the car's power supply and THREE CROCKPOTS FULL OF MAC AND CHEESE plugged in and doin' their bubbly, cheesy thing the entire three-hour drive.

    Oops, did I accidentally just relate to two irrational fears at once, the other being parents disappearing into a mysterious vortex? On the bright side, at least my mom's vortex would be covered in Velveeta.

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  9. I turned my dryer on for 30 minutes to finish up some clothes when I left the house this morning.

    And I am thoroughly convinced the dryer will catch on fire.

    And my neighbors are on vacation so they won't be able to call and tell me.

    MUST GO HOME AT LUNCH!

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  10. hahaha I have the same fear, along with ceiling fans spinning off and chopping me up. I mentioned the latter to my mom while vacationing at their house. Her reply was are you crazy? when has that ever happened?!

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  11. I totally fear the crock pot and cannot leave the damn thing "home alone" so to speak. What if it catches fire??? (how would it??) ahh!

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  12. I too am terrified of kitchen appliances...a fear which developed upon getting married and acquiring said gadgets...I am fearful that my crockpot will explode, convinced the dishwasher will catch on fire (which husband points out is totally irrational), scared the toaster oven will overheat and burn down the apartment...the list goes on :)

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  13. Your not alone in your fear of the crock pot blowing up...before I leave the house I obsessively check to ensure that everything is unplugged (the coffee pot being a major source of concern even though its on a timer) and all the doors are locked. I would never forgive myself if something caught on fire and burnt our little pups while we were away, but my level of neurotic electronic and door lock checking takes me like 4 minutes every time I try to leave the house, sometimes forgetting if I actually checked and me having to do a second swoop. Total psycho.

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  14. Ahh I can totally relate! My irrational fears usually stem from medical things (mainly needles) but lately I get paranoid about random things like our puppies kennel collapsing with her inside, and I have anxiety all day long!

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  15. I can't use a crockpot while I'm not home. I'm worried it will catch the house on fire. I used it once and ended up going home from lunch to check on it and found all the liquid was evaporated and it was starting to turn black on the bottom. Totally didn't help my crockpot fear.

    Other irrational fears? As a kid, I slept on my back with my hair braided beneath me b/c I thought someone would come in the night and chop it off. If the phone rings before 9am, I assume someone has died. I have been afraid of public restrooms ever since I saw the movie Copycat about 13 years ago. The list goes on and on.

    I loved reading all the other comments. Made me feel like my crazy self is not alone. At least on the crockpot front.

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  16. Does it have a timer or shut off? Mine just cooks until you unplug it or turn it off. I worry about mine when it's on too.

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  17. We all have a little crazy in us.. I welcome it! But those things that you are NOT afraid or... I am mostly terrified of.. grrr but never an exploding crock pot :)

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  18. I have so many irrational fears....mainly that I've left the hair straightener plugged in and it is going to burst into flames and burn the house down....this is to the point where I turn around when I get about halfway up my street and go back home to make sure it is unplugged at least 3 times a week.

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  19. This post made me laugh so hard. I also remember asking my mom if she could just talk louder with my dad after I was in bed because I was terrified they were going to disappear. I was constantly sneaking downstairs just to check that they were still there if it got too quiet.

    Also, have not used my (hmm, now two-year old) crock pot yet in a combination of huge dog-terrorizing fire fear and complete lack of domesticity.

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  20. How do you come up with this shit, I must ask. Too funny as always!! My personal favorite: Culinary skills of a starfish, oh my.

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  21. oh my gosh i do the same friggin thing with the crockpot. and dryer. and hair straightener.and dining room chandelier my dad re-wired. except i'm afraid all these items will spontaneously combust whilest im a work and my dog will be trapped. i'm a crazyperson sometimes! (i did order those handy window sticker that say "in case of emergency please save the dog inside named Pete.)

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  22. I don't have a crockpot (although I'm seriously lusting after the All Clad model) but I do have an irrational fear of my stove exploding. I know. I have tons of recipes for confits that require you to leave them in the stove for 12! entire! hours! of worry and visions of the entire apartment building bursting into flames. Oy.

    I cannot live in a house with a garbage disposal. The worry would kill me if the disposal didn't do it first. What if I stick my arm down the wrong drain and the disposal becomes possessed and my hand gets mangled? What if I am just casually leaning against the sink, slip, fall and lose everything up to my wrists? What if I am a sleep walker but don't know that I am sleep walker and wake up, well, you get the picture. Suffice it to say I have a very long list of situations under which I end up with bloody stumps. So see? You don't have the crazies. The fear of crock pot explosion seems perfectly healthy to me, though that isn't saying much.

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  23. Crockpots, hair straighteners, and my electric toothbrush. I'm convinced they will collectively burn my house down one day.

    Also? Terrified of compound fractures (thanks lifeguard training!), losing toe/fingernails (This is the scariest thing in the world to me. I'd rather have my finger/toe amputated.), and having my house fall down around me. Because my 50 year old house just MAY decide that gravity wins some day. In my own little world where foundations, trusses, and structural walls are defenseless to the whims of mere wood and block. Aye.

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  24. We have that same crockpot and it's fantastic. But I still worry that it'll burn the house down every damn time I use it. Which is not often, because I'm afraid it'll burn the house down.

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  25. I try not to tell anyone about my irrational fears, but since we're sharing...
    Along with the ceiling fan chopping me to bits, burning the house down with appliances, and the garbage disposal turning itself on, I am also convinced that one day a snake will come up into the toilet the very moment I am using it, and that my airbag will deploy without impact as I am driving down 635. And thanks to the movie Ghost, I will not crawl through an open window(although that need doesn't occur much anyway) for fear it will chop me in half. Maybe I need help??

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happy little comments!