Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Game Play

I'm like the worst "Flirty-Girl" ever.  "Funny" I can do.... "Mysteriously-Charming-So-Much-So-That-I-Keep-You-Guessing-&-Wanting-More"?  Nuh-uh.   After practically tripping into my few early romantical relationships, I spent a solid 2.5 years between The Ex and The Evs as a walking PSA for He's Just Not That Into You.  

Then, in the Spring of 2006, a guy in a bright red ball cap shushed me in the library; chatted me up at a bar; kissed me in the rain whilst synchronously holding my fancy shoes in order to prevent water damage; said he'd call; called.... and then we got married.  

Okay, perhaps I skipped a few steps, but the truth is, things between Evs and I have always been straightforward.  Not always EASY or SIMPLE, mind you. But HONEST.  We say what we mean (though sometimes not as "encouragingly" - to quote our wedding vows - as we should), and mean what we say (except those times when Evs goes "why are you pissed at me?" and I'm all "I'm not pissed"... but then I realize I am, but it's about something really idiotic like his socks are on the floor... I should work on that.)  

Point Being:  There's no game-playing.  In fact, I planned on NOT game-playing for the rest of my days... in exchange for socks on the floor for all eternity, apparently.  Whatever, I think it's a pretty good deal I've got gong on.  

Anyhoo.... Not only have I never had The Playing of the Games Mad Skillz, whatever minimal Skillz I ever honed are totally out of practice.  Which may be why last night found me curled up in bed with my eyes puffed out... puffier(?) than when my first real boyfriend broke up with me because my mom wouldn't let me ride in his car (which, if I've never told you, Mom, was a tip-top decision on your part - kudos!).  

Why the puffiness, you ask?  Let's backtrack!  In fact, let's backtrack and over-extend a metaphor, shall we?

Buying a House is Like Dating a Dude.


It started in a typical fashion... Girl meets House at Party.

(Open House)

I'll admit it... I was instantly attracted to House.  House smiled slyly at me and said "Come on in, let me show you around."

See my hardwood floors?

See my wainscoting?

See my built-ins?

It was as if House had disclosed his undying love of froyo, classic thriller flicks, and Milly's Fall line within the span of our first shared cocktail while still maintaining a masculine magnetism... Kate Kryptonite.

Flash-forward just a bit... and I'm intoxicated... drunk on House's airy kitchen and ample cabinet space.

Would you like to see my bedroom?


Well, at this point... Duh.  I was too far gone to protest.

Yes, dear readers.  I committed the Classic Dating Offense.  I slept with House on the first date.  One look at that master suite with the mega tub and the walk-in closet, and I was a goner.  I'm not sure what the Real Estate Equivalent of the Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini is, but I was all sorts of Ali Larter up in there.  If, ya know, Ali Larter has sausage-y-er arms and wasn't all hot and stuff.

But, in spite of my misstep, things progressed nicely for a while.  House texted me and took me out for paninis.  I stalked House via Google and emailed photos of House to my friends.  Our relationship progressed and I thought we'd made it official... I even changed my Relationship Status on the interwebs.  I imagined Christmases, and nurseries, and birthday parties, and years of happy memories.  I thought we had something special.

I mean, sure, House had his problems (namely, some peculiar roommates).  But surely he could change for me!  All he needed was a fresh coat of paint.  And the skills of a sledgehammer or two.  And a new irrigation plan.

We could do this together, though!  Through all the obstacles and pitfalls, I was there every step of the way... I mean, we were moving in together, for pete's sake - I was fighting for this relationship!

Until yesterday.  Until the Big Blow.  Until someone told me House might not be the House I thought I knew.  7 days before we were to officially unite... Appraisal Hell.  It was kind of like finding out that your parents loathe your boyfriend.  No matter how much you try and highlight his good points, your dad's always going to be all "sure, sweetie, but he's kind of an asshole.  Plus, he's an Aggie."**

This is all to say... unfortunately... House is a fickle creature.  And we're on a break.  A break to last until House can prove he is worth my love.


EventhoughI'ddieforyouprettyprettyprettybackporch.

Hmmm.

Thank heavens House never made me a mix tape because that shit would be on repeat right now, as I clutch paint chips to my bosom, watching repeats of Design on a Dime on mute.  As it is, my pathetic wails and furtive clicks through House's online room gallery provide the only soundtrack to my gloom.  In brief moments of bravery, I browse aimlessly through the proverbial Match.com, hoping to stumble upon a gem of a rebound, whilst simultaneously attempting to patch things over with my "back-burner-boy" in case House and I are really through for good.

And so I wait.  Another victim of Real Estate Bingo.  A sport I'm nowhere near mastering.  {Like, if this were a rousing game involving the elusive Carmen Sandiego... I'd so still be a Gumshoe.}  I'd use the "marital we," but in true Man Fashion, Evs is very "que sera, sera" about the entire ordeal.  And while I appreciate the "just as long as we're together" sentiment, I also want my travertine island, dammit!

Next time, I'll be better.

Next time, I won't allow myself to become emotionally invested so early in the game.

Next time, I'll play it cool and shut my big mouth until I'm officially Mrs. House.

Next time, I won't steal so many of House's sweatshirts.

**Purely Hypothetical.  Obviously.  

25 comments:

  1. OMG - although I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm dying laughing at your analogy! It is so true! We went through hell buying our house, so I can relate. I've been through the breakup before, but know that, in my case, the right one came just when I needed it and I'm so glad the other one had a bad foundation. I just knew he wouldn't be dependable, and so glad we decided to call it quits. Love my current "sphouse" so much better.

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  2. So sorry!! As much as I can't wait to buy a house, I am NOT looking forward to the possibility of this kind of "break-up." I guess I'll say what I say whenever anyone goes through a break-up: there's someone (someTHING) better out there for you! The hurt will go away in time! lol

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  3. This entry's writing is superb! I love it! I don't love what you're going through though, that's no good at all. I remember having a said "House" relationship though and found another house where everything worked out in the end. I hope it all works out for you guys!

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  4. :(
    so sad Kate! I read your recent tweet and was bummed for you-I would be really upset as well, comparable to tears over boys for sure! I am so glad you didn't get in the car with a boy who ended up dumping you over that. The House seduced you and strung you along! The right House will come along, there are "plenty of fish in the sea!"

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  5. Great post, but sorry to hear that. I'm a Realtor, and appraisals for us are getting harder and harder to come by, so I've seen this a lot. Although, I've never heard anyone put it quite so perfectly!

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  6. Shit. That sucks. I'm so sorry shug- the worst is when you have mentally redecorated and imagined Norman Rockwell/Town and Country/Southern Living familial scences taking place down the road in your new abode.

    I'm assuming appraisal was low? Stupid wonky real estate market.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear about the house! Hopefully something even better will come along soon.

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  8. You poor thing! That is major sucksville to have your beautiful house and plans taken away. I'm sure you're exploring all the options but perhaps the sellers will take the price down to the appraised value and then there will be hope for you and The House yet? Oh, but that's just like hoping for a boy to change...which we all now is futile. Better to expect the worse and be pleasantly surprised if it works out. Damn, your house/boy analogy really is spon on!

    Despite your sadness, you have to know that I got such a kick out of this post.

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  9. Gah! Darn spelling error. now = know

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  10. I'm so sorry! This is an awful situation. Buying a house can be so stressful. I hated the process. At least, you were able to write an amazing post about it. You are a fantastic writer.

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  11. I'm so sorry love! I hated buying a house. I'm so sorry. We went through hell buying our house--and, although it worked out in the end (although, truth be told, I have my doubts on the "it worked out" thing--I mean, my bathroom flooded last week! Shit!), it was still a miserable process. Which is why I'll probably die a 98 year old woman in the same freaking house. And this market totally sucks, I can't believe the sellers aren't all "My GAWD! Someone wants to buy this house with the Satanic Sun Mosaics? Here ya go!". But, as we learned, sellers are waaaaay to freaking proud of their homes. Humph.

    On the upside? Your Varsity Blues comparison was freakin' awesome.

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  12. OMG! This is one of the funniest blog posts I've ever read! This is precisely why I follow your blog.

    Though, I'm so sorry about the house!!

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  13. Oh, you. The sad truth is, as fun as sleeping together on the first date can be, I've found the sex-on-date-#2 pairings to be longer-lasting. ;-)

    Mix tape that wasn't = genius.

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  14. Oh nooo! I hate that... I'll have my fingers crossed that it works out!

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  15. You are amazing. Seriously! You even made my blog reading experience like your metaphor. I saw your blog title and was intrigued. After a few paragraphs I'm emotionally invested. Then halfway through I realize that this post isn't about what I thought it was going to be. And now I'm left sad about the fact that you didn't get your dream house. And I don't even know you...

    Now that's talent. Kudos! And, hopefully your rebound turns out to be "the one".

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  16. I was laughing at my desk reading this... Bossman was probably very well aware of my non-productive "working".

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but maybe there is an even better house without scary sun inspired faces out there for you! Sending happy thoughts your way

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  17. Hate what's going on.

    Love this post.

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  18. This is an awesome post--I love the metaphor.
    And I'm sorry about the issues :(

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  19. Love the post but so sorry for what you're going through. I could tell you how many things went wrong for us while we were buying a house and that it all works out in the end, but that doesn't help. Especially when you're in love. I guess it's the equivalent of your mom telling you "there's other fish in the sea" when you're nursing a young broken heart, right. But it will work out, I promise.

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  20. This is one of your best posts ever--brilliant!! You're the best--in every way.

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  21. You seem to be taking the break up so well :). House hunting - SUCKS. I have promised I will NEVER.MOVE.AGAIN.

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  22. This post is awesome.

    The house being a douche- not so much so, but at least you can tell it all funny and stuff.

    And Ali has sausage arms right now. Pregnancy is a bi-otch.

    And apparently I'm obsessed with celebrities' weights. That's healthy.

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  23. eww thats not happy house news. hopefully it will end how it is supposed to!

    sidenote: the beginning of this post sounds exactamundo like my life. and my still single and still haven't gotten that whole he's just not that into you concept don't get it!

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  24. Oh no! Hope things work out and I am still chuckling about you being a walking PSA for 'He's just no that into you'. Too funny you are!

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happy little comments!