Tuesday, December 7, 2010

'tis the season for neurosis

This week is already kicking my ass and it's only Tuesday.  

Did everyone look at their calendars and think to themselves "well, I'm sure most folks will have holiday parties the week before Christmas... so I shall be clever and throw mine 2 weeks prior!"?  

Well way to go, smartie-pantses... you've now collectively saddled me with four social engagements this week... Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... Bam, Bam, Bam, BAM.  Of course the event on Saturday is my own shindig, so I guess I should be wagging that heinously unmanicured (WHEN WILL THERE BE TIME?) finger at myself... Whose the asshole now?  

In an effort to maintain my sanity, I've decided to tackle one or two "our part-tay" related tasks per day.  Manned with my master list (which Evs tried to trash the other day... pop tart wrappers, paper cups, diet coke cans and used napkins he leaves strewn all over the house, but spend an hour neatly penning The Opus of All Grocery Lists, organized by specific aisle location and entitled "For the Party" and the man gets the urge to recycle. Obviously), I hit up Tom Thumb last night.  

You know those people you see at the market?  The ones with the carts bursting at the seams?  The ones who look as if they are auditioning for Hoarders?  And when you turn into a checkout line and see one in queue, you instinctively do an about-face because, seriously, who are they shopping for, the Duggars?  

Yeah, that was me.  

For the reals, if no one shows up on Saturday night (Number Three Fear Ever: No One Showing Up to My Parties), we'll be able to mud wrestle in chili and swan dive into pools of queso.  My cupboards now looks scarily similar to my mother-in-law's. If we ever experience a nuclear winter, I'll be scurrying North up the Tollway and pitching a tent in that woman's pantry... Until then, that much food makes me anxious and itchy.  I've been told that my bulk food phobias must end with the coming of babies... this thought alone was enough to keep me on the pill for a few extra months.  

Where were we... lots for Kate to do... judgey generalizations regarding shopping habits... obligatory pop culture references... a stroll down Food Issues Lane... oh yes!  The Checkout Aisle!  

I felt nervous and shifty as the checkout girl surveyed by pile, much like when the pharmacist swipes my ID at CVS... I mean, I know I'm not buying antihistamines for the purpose of meth-cookery, but what does the pharmacist think?... did he just look at me funny?... I knew I should have washed my hair today. 

Thankfully, she let me off the hook with her cheery "Looks like someone's throwing a party!"  I asked her if it was the double bricks of Velveeta that gave me away.  Her reply?

"Nah.  I figured you weren't drinking that six-pack carrier of champagne by yourself!"

Oh.  

Huh. 

Obviously erroneous reasoning on her part, but at least she didn't peg me for an agoraphobic with 37 cats.  

10 comments:

  1. This post was brilliant! Enjoy your socializing. I have 3 parties. ON SATURDAY.

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  2. Hilarious! Good luck with the merriment this weekend! I'm sure your party will be fab and that you and the husband won't be partying alone in your snazzy new house

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  3. Girl- feel your pain! Dinner on Friday with my newly affianced brother's future in laws, 1 year old party on Saturday, Christmas cocktail party Saturday night, and a babpitsm and luncheon on Sunday. Whew! I have been mentally planning outfits way in advance.

    I get soooo nervous buying sudafed!

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  4. I feel the same way when they ask for my id when buying allergy meds. I always get so nervous.

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  5. Don't you love feeling like a crack head when going to purchase cold medicine?

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  6. OMG I have party-buying anxiety at the grocery store too! Mainly because I don't usually plan "healthy" food for parties, so I'm always afraid the person at checkout is judging me for what I'm purchasing. I get super defensive- yes, I NEED to purchase pretzels, ice cream, oreos, egregious amounts of fake cheese and gallons of hot Pace. And heaven help them if they ask me how I maintain my weight with what I'm buying... because that has happened before. And it wasn't pretty.

    Good luck with your full schedule this weekend! I hope your new house is bursting with good friends on Saturday :)

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  7. Very funny! You will have way more than enough food, so fret not! I hope the party guests come hungry!

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  8. We're having our first "adult cocktail party" this Saturday, and this post summarizes my thoughts right now perfectly!
    I hope your party is a huge success!!

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happy little comments!