Monday, May 16, 2011

Confessional. Ish.

Isn't it funny?  How the things we just know to be true about ourselves - about our lives, about our future - slowly - or, sometimes, instantly - morph into something else entirely?  

I will never live in Dallas.

I can't wait to finish this semester of Spanish so I'll never have to speak it again!

Law school, phffffffffffffffffft.

Marry a Republican? How terrible would that be!


I'd like to be married for at least 2 years before I even *think* about kids.

I'm healthy and relatively young... Surely, it'll be a cinch to get pregnant. 

Joni Mitchell was right, folks.  {Are we really surprised?}

So It Goes
{via}

Anyhoover, if you've been visiting this little quadrant of the interwebs with any regularity, you likely have an inkling as to which truth has become my untruth.... We want a baby.  And we don't have one.  Not even a wee, itty-bitty almost-baby percolating in the ol' beerwinebelly.  And it's not for lack of trying.  Or time.  

To put it mildly, there's a lot of MAJOR FEELINGS surrounding this particular Life Hiccup.  A lot of tears, a lot of irrational thinking. A lot of over-analyzing, a lot of Googling, a lot of pestering medical professionals with bulleted lists of queries.  And, to be quite honest, a lot of somewhat twisted laughter at all the weird-ass shit that's become our new Normal. 

It's a fucked-up little rabbit hole we've stumbled down, that's for sure.  

And while some days it seems as if Fate has handed me THE MOTHER irony OF ALL WRITING MATERIAL, I'm just not completely comfortable virtually donning my new Born This Way T-Shirt for everyone with a Google Reader to see.  

Born This Way Glee
Baby-Making Skillz?  Needs Improvement.  Microsoft Paint Skillz? A++

Although I guess I just did. 

Hmmmmmmmm.

What I suppose I'm attempting to say - however ineloquently - is {for the sake of honesty and posterity and probably some other words ending in an "ee" sound that aren't coming to mind at the moment}...

... This is what's happening right now... but it's unlikely that I'll start going all Full Disclosure on you in this space.  

There are many wonderful bloggers out there chronicling their TTC {that's "trying to conceive" for all you fertility virgins out there} {SO! MANY! ACRONYMS!} {It's like being initiated into the lamest possible branch of the CIA} experiences in great detail, and I sincerely admire their candor.  It's just not for me.  Or for E... whose pretty much like "uuuuh, can't you just post more pictures of sparkly shit?"  

And I will.  But, since I'm a smelly ol' crunchy hippie in yuppie's clothing, I'm also going to write a bit on my burgeoning experience with cooperative medicine...

... Because I think it's pretty damn fascinating...

... Because so many of the cooperative medicine "testimonies" I've found read like something out of some touchy-feely Readers Digest you'd page through whilst cooling your heels in the colorpuncturist's waiting room...

... And because, one day, when our offspring is a bitchy fifteen-year-old moaning about the injustice that is her life, I can pull up these posts and say I GAVE UP CHEESE FOR YOU, MONGREL! 

So, uh, yeeeeah.  That about covers it for the Awkward Explanation phase of our program.  Tune in [sometime in the nearish future] for a lecture on the Evils of Cold Beverages, and perhaps a vlog of me doing my herbal voodoo.  

GET EXCITED. 

71 comments:

  1. All I can say is: good luck and don't lose faith. I honestly enjoy reading your blog - whether it's about your travels, recipes, clothes or your new journey.
    PS: this "I gave up cheese for you" is exactly what my mom kept throwing in my face during my teenage years. Shut me up every time :)

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  2. I love love love that you're blogging about this. Hugs!

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  3. First of all...I love the Microsoft Paint job. It's fantastic. And that episode? One of my favorites in awhile.

    I'm thinking happy thoughts for you and Evs and a future baby cheesefiend. Putting it all out there for the whole internet to read is hard. In any tough situation, sometimes we're drawn to keeping it in, just ourselves. Someone recently had a quote on twitter about how one of the biggest downsides of social media is we only see the highlight reel of others' lives. That's the truth. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones struggling, but know that that isn't the case.

    Love you friend :)

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  4. Awww, best of luck in this journey. I hope it is an easy "fix" (that sounds awful, so lets pretend I didn't use the word "fix") and that you are well on your way to baby land soon.

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  5. Thinking of you and hoping for a baby cheesefiend very soon. Lots of luck and good thoughts to you on your cheese-less journey.

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  6. Praying and thinking happy thoughts for you... and sorry that you are having to deal with this crap - it stinks. Plain and simple.

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  7. Although I only know you via blog and twitter, I am pretty sure you are a wonderful, warm, funny, affectionate person. I think it will be OK. And I will cross my fingers and send good thoughts your way. It's your blog, say as much or as little as you like here, but this post makes me feel for you and thank you for sharing. Seriously. Not in some goofy Budweiser commercial way.

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  8. Oh Kate. If I start to comment on this blogger would probably crash, so an e-mail will be forthcoming. xoxo

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  9. I know this was hard for you to write, and this is a tough subject to talk about. I admire your honesty. When we were trying to get pregnant, I was utterly consumed with anything to do with fertility. I read every book out there, and.... (TMI) would even ask random women about their cervical mucus. haha

    We finally conceived, then I had a miscarriage. Of course I was devastated. Every stage of trying and feeling like you're failing is hard. I would get so pissed off when I would see a pregnant teenager or a mom that bragged about how "easy" it was to get pregnant. "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant." Ugh. Barf.

    There's something amazingly empowering about sharing your struggles. All us mama and future-mama birds will be here to listen;-) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  10. hi. i don't think you read my blog. i documented a lot of crap dealing with the baby making crap for so long. then i stopped - because it got old. if you ever want to chat (confidentially) about anything, i am here. a complete stranger that understands it all. 3 years of trying, ectopic pregnancy, lost tube, 3 miscarriages, 5 failed ivfs and now onto adoption and the diagnosis - unexplained secondary infertility. SECONDARY? wow. okay. never had that first baby. it's a hard journey. so be it.

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  11. oh and ps - you are a rock-star for opening up about this. it's funny because you really help others when you speak about it. even if its just a little bit.

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  12. I may not really know you but I want to give you a huge hug (hope that doesn't sound crazy weird!) This isn't something I can personally relate to but I do know what it's like to have a desire for a baby but not have one (my husband was done when we met & I made the choice to have him (& his daughters) in my life). I do, however, have several friends who dealt with this exact thing (although not sure they had to give up cheese!) and I'm happy to say they both have two beautiful kids.

    Try not to get so down on yourself! You're a beautiful (and seriously funny!) person who will make a great mama one day :-)

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  13. Thinking of you guys! We struggled through this for almost a year and are now taking a break. It can be a difficult road.

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  14. Oh girl I feel your pain. I'm in the phase now that I want a child. A surprising phase that I didn't know if it would ever come or not...and now its here in big flashing lights...and my husband (a somewhat needed part of the equation or so I'm told) is gone till Sept/Oct. That puts a real damper on the whole getting knocked up thing. All of the women around me are having babies. It makes me sad to know that I don't even have the opportunity to do that right now.

    And I'm turning 31 next month. I feel like if we're gonna do this we have to start and then rush all the irrational fears about not being able to be pregnant. I had been on the pill for 12 years. Won't it be a real kick in the teeth ( and obviously somewhere else) if I find out that I wouldn't have been able to get knocked up all along...

    Stay strong girl. You and your hubby will get thru this. I'm so proud of you for sharing this private matter with us all.

    We love you and care about you and we'll be happy to help you thru this process as much as we can.

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  15. That must have been a hard post to write. I think it's great that you shared so you can have all the positive thoughts, prayers, and energy coming your way.

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  16. thank you for this post! You are so brave and you have no idea how much it helps to hear others are going through the same thing as I am. Literally everyone I know is pregnant and I want to be that crazy person who asks how long it took to get there (sidenote: I would never actually ask that). Anyway, hang in there because it will happen for you!!

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  17. Good luck! We've been there. Just know that all your IRL friends and bloggy friends will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. :)

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  18. I'm not sure if I've ever commented before...I'm usually quiet and/or lazy...but your posts have quickly become one of the BEST things about my morning procrastination sessions at work & this one is no exception. Thanks so much for sharing what you guys are going through. . . I am positive there are thousands [if not millions and billions] of us out there who get very excited to see a new post from you pop up on google reader whether its full disclosure, no disclosure, happy, sad, the scariest story about a train station ever written, etc.

    You are awesome & I know things will work out fabulously for you.

    PS - your tortilla pie is one of the top ten reasons my husband loves me.

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  19. I have never commented on your blog before, but I just have to say - you are wonderful and I know everything will work out for you two with your baby efforts. I just moved to Austin because of my husband's new job, but I was reading your blog even before when we were in Nashville. I love your posts (you have so often helped inspire me to actually get up, go to the store and prepare a homemade dinner when I would have otherwise been tempted to waste money & calories on take-out) and your honesty is refreshing. Thanks for talking about this subject. These are questions that I (and probably lots of others) think about and worry about, but are too afraid to ask and put it out there. Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  20. Thank you for posting about this. This is a subject that I (and I'm sure many others women our age) worry and have questions about. Your blog is wonderful- I really appreciate all your postings/musings/travel/recipes(especially)!!!! sending you positive baby vibeS!

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  21. When people post forthcoming things like this, it allows others to be truthful. So remember that. Don't feel like a crazy person for trying any and all things fertility related. This coming from someone who slept with a fertility stone in her panties. *lol* Lordie, I'll have to write about that some time. Magic dust, spin on my head, if they said do it, I was up for trying it. I believe, though, that so many things (food, computers) are assaulting our fertility. Changing what we can is key, although I know how disappointing it is if we don't see the results we want. I found that trying to control what I could gave me a smidge of empowerment. ((hugs)) to you

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  22. Thanks for keeping it real! It's so refreshing.
    This dang life never goes as planned, which really stinks.
    Keep up the good work!

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  23. I think you're very brave for putting anything related to this on your blog. It took us much, much longer than I ever would have anticipated to get pregnant. And, even when we did I was so anxious and didn't tell anyone for a long time. (People were surprised how long we waited to tell, but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle issuing some statement that retracted said news.)

    That being said, I think it's especially hard for our generation. We plan our educations, our careers, when we'll get married, When we buy a home, when we'll take that big trip, when we're "ready for children" and yet we can't plan when we get pregnant. And, I think that is so hard for us, because when we're ready we're ready.

    I truly believe that when you are ready, all you seem to read and see are those accounts of women who weren't even trying who did get pregnant. And, boy is that tough. I never opened up on my blog about this for more reasons than one, but I think more of us can relate than you know. Thinking of you.

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  24. I love to read your blog- I am always entertained, and appreciate your honesty and how you keep it real. I look forward to hearing what you have to say! Sending you lots of positive thoughts from way up north!

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  25. I always think you are a great writer and today is no different. I know this was probably a touch post to write but you did it perfectly. Thanks for sharing :)

    Thinking good thoughts for y'all!

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  26. You are so brave for blogging about this! It took us awhile to conceive and I didn't have the balls to blog about it. I wish I could go back and document the whole process because it's not as easy as "16 and pregnant" makes it seem.

    I would come home from WalMart crying because all of these itty bitty girls were pregnant. I remember sitting in my doctor's office for an infertility appointment and a very young teenager came in with her mother balling because she was pregnant. It would upset me that everywhere around me people who didn't want to be pregnant were pregnant. I almost deleted my Facebook because it was painful to log in and have so many girls always announcing they were pregnant.

    Again, thank you so much for putting this out there. I know how hard it is!

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  27. just want to wish you the best!

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  28. aw i'm so sorry you are going through this. i've got nothing to add to the encouraging comments so i guess i'll just say... keep your head up. Um also even though I haven't gone through this myself (but also just got married three months ago and haven't tried to get pregnant), I might suggest that you don't allow yourself to obsess over other people's stories, medical terms, etc. Do your research and talk to your doctors of course, but don't let it consume you. I've been there in other aspects of my life (non-fertility ones) so I assume it can happen in this arena too. Best of luck to you guys!

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  29. I'm so sorry to hear you're dipping your toe in the dreaded tango of "IF." I have this irrational fear that when it's time for me to procreate, I won't be able to. Despite the fact that everyone in my family is a Fertile Myrtle. But you don't exactly get a "test run," ya know? Oh yay, I can get pregnant! Wait...not ready yet. Um, no. Good for you for taking charge and seeking outside help. There's no shame in that. Chek out Buford Betty's blog if you have a chance- she's on the same diet as you (calls it Moo Goo, hardeeharhar) and does accupuncture.

    xoxo

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  30. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am terrified that I'm entering a difficult TTC period myself. It helps to know that you aren't alone, but it also sucks because you wouldn't want to wish it on anyone. But you are strong and fabulous, and you have a great partner, so eventually it will all work out and everything will fall into place. Good luck to you guys.

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  31. You already know how I feel about this, so instead I'm just sending my love over with extra special force today. xoxoxo

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  32. I usually don't comment on posts like this because I'm SO not good with words. Sarcasm? Yes. Sweet words that show my vulnerable side? Heck no. But for some reason I feel like I can comment to you about this, probably because you include humor in your post. Anyways,(that was way too much explanation) I'm thinking about you through this journey and can't wait till you can yell at your 15 year old about giving up cheese for her! :-) And when you get pregnant I SO hope you get the "don't have to shave hormone" that I had!

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  33. I'm sorry you are going through this. I was talking to a girl at work who's going through the same thing. Hang in there!

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  34. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I hope you realize from the number of comments you've already received that you are not alone in this. I completely understand your desire for some degree of privacy in all this (I too maintained complete privacy when it came to baby-making)... but, if you ever need the support, it's here. Science has come so far in this area--best of luck to you!

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  35. Long time reader here-- no matter what you are blogging about, reading your blog is always one of the bright spots in my day :-) Just want to say that i was so excited when i read a while ago that you and Evs were ready to enter this next chapter in your lives and now i am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing this and i hope and pray that everything works out for y'all soon!

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  36. I... don't really know what to say. It's harder and so much more complicated than we grow up believing. So much luck that things work out the way that you want them too.

    P.S. The day I met my husband, (it was a blind date-ish situation) I said to a friend, "If he's a Republican, you can have him." He was, and she, obviously, couldn't.

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  37. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm in the same boat right now... after already having a honeymoon surprise we call "Ethan," I too have been told we may have some faulty bits. I think it's more common than I ever thought, and kudos to you for being brave enough to put in out there, you're way ahead of me on that one.

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  38. Having worked with women TTC (Ob research), I know that you are not alone. And sharing your story is a powerful thing - thank you for doing so, and I hope you realize how much help posts like this can really provide to people everywhere. How gracious of you to let us in during a time of trial. Thank you.

    Wishing you the best.

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  39. I love ya friend, and I'm hoping (and certain you will) for you to have everything you want.

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  40. Having been in your shoes, I wish you strength and peace. Praying that your wishes come true.

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  41. First off you are one brave soul to write this! I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. As someone about to jump off the bridge someday into "trying", I can only imagine how you feel! Good luck with everything!

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  42. It (the process of trying per se) can be a total pain, but it's so worth it in the end :) I tried to refrain from the Google-ing and voodoo, but it's close to impossible. I think most importantly..listen to your body and find a good doctor. I wish mine would travel to see my friends! Saying prayers for a bambino for you guys soon!xo

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  43. I feel like when you aren't quite on the baby train, it seems like it will be so easy. And then, when you get on that train, an it takes more than a minute to get "in the family way", you're all like "wtf body??". Trust, I know how that feels. Once you want it, it consumes you. But.. try to relax about it. I know, I know. Don't smack me. But try to have fun with it and like Megan said, lay off the Google because it will make you crazy. It took me years to get E and while it sucked big time, I found out so much about myself that I think makes me a better Mom.

    All that ya ya to say, I'll be praying for you and your uterus. And that baby cheesefiend. Hugs friend!!

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  44. I have two friends that are going through the exact same thing right now. Sending happy thoughts your way (and a doctor referral if you would like one- a Dallas friend just had twins after years of unsuccessful trying and they loved their doctor). Best of luck to you and Evs!

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  45. I wish this weren't a topic people are hesitant to discuss. It's so common to have setbacks/issues/etc. in conception, so I think it's great you are sharing.

    I pray that you are blessed with the little bundle you wish to have. :)

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  46. You are a beautiful person, Kate. And you and Evs will make fantastic parents. Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do, so just hang in there, and I believe you will be rewarded with a little bambino of your own some day. Happy thoughts to you, friend. xoxo

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  47. This is always my biggest fear. Dutifully taking my birth control pills every day at sundown, only to find out that they weren't really necessary in the first place. I hope you overcome this obstacle - and soon! Looking on the bright side, at least you were able to wine it up in Italy!

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  48. i'm sure this was not an easy post to write but i so appreciate your honesty. i admire your courage and wish you the best!!

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  49. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this part of your life with us! I am going through the same thing and I know it can be frustrating, upsetting and every other emotion out there. Isn't it funny? When you're younger, you think it's so easy and that it's rare to hear of miscarriages and problems conceiving, but when you're older you hear how common it is and that it happens too often. Good luck!!!

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  50. Ughhhh I hate this so much for you. Unfortunately I understand how tough this can be. We were at the one year mark of trying when I got pregnant.. followed by a miscarriage. I'm in my second cycle of trying again since the miscarriage. I hate that these problems seem to be so common. I wish you weren't going through it at all. If you want to talk please email me. I will definitely listen if you want to yell or cry or whine or anything. Hope things get better soon and definitely sending lots of positive thoughts your way. XOXO

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  51. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I didn't blog about my troubles but now I wish I'd put them out there because it's so helpful to others struggling with the same issues. Just keep the faith and know that things will work out how and when they are supposed to. I know that sounds cliche, but it works.

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  52. I've never commented before but just wanted to say you are wonderful, thanks for sharing a piece of your journey with us. I look forward to reading your snippits everyday...sending you all my best wishes and happy baby thoughts!

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  53. hoping that everything will work out for you guys! its worth all of the sacrifice :)

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  54. Funny (and I mean that in the lesat funny way possible) how life works. No rhyme or reason for the way things are or perhaps worse, are not. Thoughts (and a few prayers too) for you and Eves. Everything will work out!! And in the meantime, thanks for sharing some of your journey.

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  55. Sending happy thoughts and prayers your way. I hope everything works out for y'all!!! ;-)

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  56. Kate, I've always loved your blog-- for your honesty, your sense of humor, and your way with words. And, while I'm commenting to send my absolute best wishes for a safe, healthy and happy resolution for you, Evs, and bebes-to-be, I must admit that your declaration via Mercedes Jones utterly cracks my shit up.

    Best of luck to y'all!

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  57. I just wanted to comment on this post. After 3 plus years of marriage, I have stopped taking the pill and we're going to start trying in a few months. My greatest fear is that it won't 'happen'. I am 34 years old and was always on the fence about children. Always saying "maybe laters" or "I am not sure I was our lives to changes" and then one day it happened. I realized that I do want children and I do want our lives to change.
    It is a scary journey and an abrupt change to 'us'. Thanks you so very much for writing about your journey. It is sometimes just nice to know that you're not alone on this new path and that you have others that are walking it with you.
    Here is to new adventures and where it will lead us to.
    You're so brave and I so appreciate it.

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  58. I never had the courage to talk about our journey through the world of infertility online, so huge kudos to you for bringing it up. I absolutely guarantee that you will be helping other people, even if it's just to know that they aren't alone. It's definitely a shock to "pull the goalie" and then realize nothing is happening. I spent a lot of time being royally pissed at my body. So my heart goes out to you...but know that there is a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. Of the 9 infertility blogs I started reading last year, 8 are now pregnant, each getting there in their own way. So hang in there and be easy on yourself (and back away from the google).

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  59. Oh I am SO SORRY that you're going through this. We've been dealing with similar issues which I've blogged a little bit about. You're very brave for sharing this and I know it will help others going through similar situations. For myself, while I don't go into details, it was a relief to share and not have the elephant in the room (or blog) anymore.
    Best of luck to you and I hope things work out quickly!

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  60. I have been following you and reading for a bit. I love your recipes :)

    I appreciate your honesty.

    I am pretty much rowing in the same boat as you. And it sucks. I have written several posts about it for my blog...yet they remain drafts...and reading this sorta makes me want to publish them.

    In a blog world where it seems (at least to me) every day someone is announcing a pregnancy...it can suck. Hang in there and don't lose hope.

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  61. So sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. But guess what? So am I, and I'm not ballsy enough to put it out there on the interwebz just yet. We've been trying for awhile. Nothing's happening, while everyone surrounding me is getting pregnant like it's as easy as popping a pill. Isn't it funny how damn hard it is to get knocked up? I literally feel like the stars have to align in order to get pregnant. *sigh*

    Anyway, I am clearly not the first person to comment and say "I feel ya, girl" but, you know ... I feel ya, girl. Hang in there. Are you on Fertility Friend? I am on there for tracking my temps/charting/everything and the message boards can be incredibly addictive yet oddly comforting. Check them out, if you haven't already. xo

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  62. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It is painful when our bodies don't do exactly what we're wanting them to and dealing with that strange aftermath. Wishing you tons of luck.

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  63. thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. i know that in doing so, surely many good things can come from it! i wish you and evs lots of luck and am sending prayers and good thoughts!

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  64. thanks for sharing! I hope you guys don't have to wait too long- my hubby and I are going on 7 1/2 years being married, and we've only been able to conceive once, and that didn't end well for us. I blog about it, but I totally understand wanting to keep that private too! I will blow some baby dust your way!

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  65. Kate, I hadn't yet commented on this post because I didn't know what to say, but you've been on my mind. I'll never understand why it so often seems that the people I feel would make some of the best parents have so much trouble becoming parents.
    This sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Sending lots of good thoughts, love, and healing vibes your way.

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  66. Kate, youre awesome! just love you. That is all :)

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  67. From one Kate to another...you rock! I know this kind of thing is hard to share. In fact, we just decided to stop trying for #2 after 6 years, so I know a little of what you are going through. It sucks when your body doesn't do what it's supposed to know how to do. But, you are far too awesome not to get your own little cheese head, so it will happen.

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  68. You are brave for sharing this struggle on your blog. I know this pain and I am sorry you are experiencing it. I hope your efforts are fruitful!

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happy little comments!