Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I was informed recently that the Dallas Mavericks are not National Champions.

They are, in fact, World Champions.

Not to pluck the feather from Cuban's jaunty cap or anything, but the tournament is call the NBA Championship, is it not?  You know, the NATIONAL Basketball Association Championship? 

Plus! There is professional basketball in other countries! I happen to know this because somewhere - perhaps in a Salvation Army bargain bin near you - there is a well-loved VHS copy of  Love & Basketball, donated by some magnanimous person ME, and if said-VHS taught the universal us ME anything it's that every woman needs a set of abs like Omar Epps' in her Five. 

AND! That our Euro Friends most definitely can jump.

See also:  The Summer Olympic Games

So what gives, NBA?  Is this just another example of the American Superiority Complex?  And - say, for the sake of argument, that USA basketballers are vastly more skilled than their foreign counterparts, - even a blind squirrel gets a nut sometimes, yes?

The Likely Answer to All These Questions:  I've spent entirely too much time thinking about this.


Remember bathroom passes in elementary school?  I think I'm going to make one for my office.  Except mine shall say I PROMISE I WASH MY HANDS WHEN I RETURN TO MY SUITE.  Perhaps in Swarovski crystals.

You see, the public restrooms in our building... erhmmm.... leave something to be desired.  I mean, the toilets definitely get cleaned daily, but I bet it's been a month since the floors were mopped, the sinks wiped, or the paper towels refilled.  Plus there's that groddy pink soap that leaves your hands smelling of a sanitarium.  And why smell of a sanitarium when there is Winter Apple SoftSoap and paper towels aplenty available back in our {very clean and tidy} suite?

Sadly, Good Hand-Washing Intentions are invisible to my fellow bathroom comrades.  And muttering "I'm washing them in just a second, pinky-swear" in response to sinkside sideways glances only makes me look that much more guilty... like the shoplifter who squeaks "I was totally going to pay for it!"

So, really, a bedazzled bathroom pass is the only obvious solution.

Either that or walk down to the very private, very clean bathroom reserved only for Anon-Non-Profit employees.

{But that would require a relative hike.}

{And the unlocking of two double-bolts in order to pass through the Gates to the Southern Oracle.}

{And non-laziness.}

Looks like it's Craft Time for Kate.


Yesterday, I zipped into Panera to procure a bowl of black bean soup.  The mother and son ahead of me in line were just finishing the recitation of their order to the cashier when I heard it...

Would you like to add one of our bakery items to your lunch order? 

Ah, the Up-Sale!

Having been an industrious little service industry worker bee in a previous life, I do enjoy a good up-sale technique!  My interest piqued, I eaves-dropped on:

Mother: "Not today - just the sandwiches."

Cashier: "Good call.  I can't tell you how terrible those things are for you."

Sphincter says what? I mean, I know you're not working for big tips here, chica, but I bet there's a little tally of up-sales on some ubiquitous white board back there in the kitchen... perhaps even a prize for the up-seller of the most cookies or cheesecake squares.

{I myself am the proud owner of a Patron shot glass set... with fancy etched glass and everything... bequeathed only to the Best of the Best... Up-Seller of 22 Oz. Draft Beers at the I-10 & Wurzbach Texas Land & Cattle Co., that is.}

{Would you like to Texas-Size that, sir?}

{Wink.  Smile.}

{November of 2005 was a very good month for me.}

My turn in line... I'll take a bowl of black bean soup to go, with the apple, and sure, okay, I'll get one of those My Panera key fobs because who doesn't need another piece of plastic junking up their key ring, and yeah, that'll be it.

Would you like to add one of our bakery items to your lunch order? 

They look delicious, but no, I'm good.

They do look delicious, but seriously, they are Fat & Calorie City!  Totally not worth it! 

You do realize you work for Panera Bread Company, right?

::Blank Stare::

Probably not Employee of the Month right there.

And after all that Nutritional Content Judgment? Carb-Hater effed up my order and gave me my soup in a sourdough bread bowl. 


  1. Please make that bedazzled bathroom pass.

    Also, now I want Panera black bean soup. Sana bread bowl, of course. I'm cracking up at the image of this employee trying the up-sell and then slamming it! Pick a side, chica!

  2. I so relate to your hand washing dilemma. I am a teacher and we have a faculty restroom in our pod area. The problem is, that the sink is the same one used by the kids to wash their hands after they "go". I just CANNOT bring myself to use that sink, it totally skeeves me out. I keep good soap in my classroom and wash up in there. However, if an adult is around I feel like a loser when I walk away from the sink, I always feel the need to explain

  3. I realize not the point of the story but ohmygod do I love the movie Love & Basketball. Seen it a million times - never gets old.

    Also, speaking of Panera, I was totally mortified in Panera this very afternoon. I'm 8 months pregnant and flippin' hungry ALL THE TIME. So I asked if I could have a full sandwich with my half salad. The guy looked at me like I was the first fatty who had ever asked that and told me no. Um, what? I can't pay more to get a whole sandwich? I was sooo embarrassed. Guess Panera employees everywhere are watching out for our waistlines!

  4. hmm, whenever i hear of an american playing basketball in europe i assume it's because they weren't good enough to play in the NBA. i thought NBA > whatever they have in europe? or maybe that's baseball.

    but on the panera front- i was there this weekend, did not receive the up-sell, yet bought a baked good anyway. like, finished my lunch then went *back* to the register to pick something out. apparently, i am living in terrible, fat and calorie city.

  5. I totaly understand your need of a sparkly bathroom pass. We have that pink soap in my office bathroom too. And I think it has acid in it or something because it takes off a layer of my skin every time I wash my hands with it! My hands are always SO dry; I have to slather on a generous dollop of Neutrogena hand cream after every trip to the bathroom :)

  6. LOL is she serious? I wonder if her managers know how she talks about their product. So crazy!


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