Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Personal Growth {via The Evolution of a Tomato Tart}

Heirloom Tart Prep #nofilter #wfd
Please feast your eyes on these gorgeous heirlooms I have oh-so-smugly sliced whilst my equally gorgeous, roll-y-poll-y offspring cooed and babbled - perfect-angel-like - in her highchair. The only tasks left on my pre-baby-bedtime to-do list include chop a few shallots {organically grown by local, philanthropic gnomes, of course}, listen as my 5 month old recites a few select stanzas of Frost {anything but The Road Not Taken... cliche-much?}, and bathe said baby-prodigy in a tub perfumed by the breath of unicorns.

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Hmmmm. It appears my kitchen wench misread the recipe for tonight's tomato tart, and assumed the standard quiche crust would suffice. Doesn't she know what happens when one assumes? What's that you say? I am not in possession of a kitchen wench? And the only person making an ASS of U and ME is... ME? Well... bollucks. Never mind. Channeling Julia Child. Or at least my new Julia Child stationery.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Oh you have got to be kidding me. What mental midget invented the Springform pan and where can I log my formal complaint? Cue Frantic Attempts at Tart Triage. Begin Culinary Shame Spiral.

One Hour Time Lapse. {Imagine Wayne & Garth with their wavy arms or some similar incarnation.}

Not Pictured: Initial Removal of Tart in Husband's Presence. Cue Ugly Cry. Husband: Now there, there. They can't all be culinary masterpieces. You have to expect one in every one-hundred of your recipes to throw you a curve-ball.

Note: I am not hyperbolizing this portion. E really is that kind.

Husband, Again: Hmmmm. I think L gets her Ugly Cry from you.

Note: SUBTRACTION OF HUSBAND POINTS.

Further Forty-Five Minute Time Lapse. {Imagine E inching towards the Emergency Frozen Pizza.}

1.5 hours and a gazillion "fixes" later...THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
The Moment of Truth. My oven is smoking. My cookie sheet is beyond repair. My tart is... holding steady! It stands unassisted! It's appetizingly bouncy! It winks with the unspoken treasures of summer flavors!

It tastes...!


Well.

Aftermath.

...Fuck.

7 comments:

  1. Laughing out loud ("lol-ing", as the kids say) at work right now. It ended up looking scrumptious, so well done! I need to document my kitchen disasters, as it happens to all of us! Like that one time I made perfect little filet mignons for Mother's Day, and decided they needed a balsamic glaze on them. The balsamic had apparently been sitting for YEARS at my parent's house, as once I reduced & reduced and slathered it all over the gorgeous steaks and broiled for just one more minute, the glaze turned into what we called TAR. Balsamic TAR on Filets! Heavens to Betsey it was a disaster.

    Bon Appetit & happy 100th to Julia!

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  2. Both JM and I get INSANE when recipes don't go our way. The worst was earlier this summer I made hockey pucks, AHEM, very thin pork chops and overcooked them. Both JM and little seven year old Z were nice about it - "that's ok! now we know to cook these for less time!" - but they were both dumping on the sauce just to give the meat some moisture. Bless their hearts.

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  3. It reminds me of the time I spent 6 hours making Julia's beef bourguignon....and it was good, but no better than the pot roast I make regularly in the winter. I was so disappointed. And you KNOW how I feel about spring form pans.

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  4. I once made a salad from Ad Hoc at home that took me over 3 hours to make. Took one bite, and realized I absolutely hated it. Immediately burst into tears. I think a failed/super disappointing recipe is required to get your "badass cook" badge.

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  5. Don't throw out the cookie tray! Be patient.

    Fill a sink with really hot water, 1 cup vinegar, 1/2 cup baking soda, 2 tbsp Dawn dish detergent. Stir and then let the cookie sheet sit and soak.

    It works. It's saved me from pans/sheets beyond repair.

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  6. I am loving heirloom tomatoes right now! And I'm definitely getting those Julia Child note cards :) Kudos to you for keeping it real as you always do on your blog - not everything turns out perfectly. I recently slow cooked chicken using heirlooms, sauce etc to serve over pasta and totally overcooked it. I even used fresh oregano and basil from our garden! Even though I could tell it was overcooked, (the whole reason I chose crockpot is for that delicious slow cooked texture) I still tried to pass it off on my husband. His response "ehhh not one of your best dishes." I pretended to act like I was a little surprised. I later admitted that I thought it was gross too and we had a good laugh about it.

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  7. HILARIOUS! I had a complete fail today with my cooking.. makes me feel better other people are in the same :)

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happy little comments!