Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Case of the Popcorn Killer.

It was a sunny afternoon.

One of those Texas Indian Summer days so blindingly bright and clear that surely nothing sinister could be lurking about...

L and I had just returned from an afternoon of errands.  I released the Buglet from her car seat straight jacket and set her down to play while I put the groceries away.  I could hear The Boom whining to be let out of her crate, but my goat cheese was in dire straights due to the yep-it's-still-in-the-90s situation outside, so she'd just have to call on her doggie patience. 

As I walked towards to the pantry, something in the microwave caught my eye...

What's this?  A bag of popcorn?  

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Whatthefuck. E didn't like my dinner last night so he made a secret bag of popcorn after I went to bed?  BLASPHEMY. 

No, no, no.  I used the microwave for lunch today.  My culinary honor has not been challenged, phewww--

Wait a tick. 

If E didn't make popcorn last night... And I didn't make popcorn today at lunch... Then why is there popcorn in my microwave? 

....

THERE IS A SERIAL KILLER WITH A SNACKING PROBLEM IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW, WAITING TO KILL US WITH HIS CANCER-CAUSING FAUX-BUTTERY HANDS.

That is the only plausible explanation, ERH MAH GAWD, ERH MAH GAWD, grab the baby, grab the keys, grab the phone, BREATHE... 

Do I have time to get the dog?  No, WHAT IF HE'S IN THE OFFICE, WAITING FOR ME TO COME OPEN THE CRATE?  

Okay, so no Boom. Let's get out of here.  Jesus, I'm like the worst dog mom ever... donotcry, donotcry, donotcr---

Hmmm.  

That's odd.  

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Oh. 

Right. 

Clean pump parts. 

NEVER MIND, THEN. 

11 comments:

  1. I love this. I have a weird fear of coming home from work to find a clown in my apartment. Not because I think they clown will hurt me, but because WTF how scary would it be to just see one sitting in my bedroom, without any idea how he got in there.

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    1. If I came home and a clown was sitting in my house, I would die of terror on the spot.

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  2. Ha! Thanks for giving me a laugh today (and making me feel like less of a freak for getting carried away the moment I suspect something is wrong) :)

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  3. This had me cracking up at work - thank you. I am glad I'm not the only paranoid crazy out there - I am sure I would have had the same chain of thoughts. :)

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  4. Haha I love the Keith Morrison tone of this...

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  5. Honestly all I have to say in response is "hee hee hee" but that's entirely non-eloquent or witty but... 10 pm and two glasses of wine in my belly... you get hee hee hee

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  6. I always leave mine in the work microwave and forget about them. Thanks god most of the attorneys never use the microwave!

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  7. Haha this is sooo me. If one thing is misplaced..."oh my god, it's somebody trying to kill me, they are waiting for me somewhere, grab the phone and the keys while running for the door and screaming for the dogs to come, and....wait, oh no nevermind, I think I left that there this morning" (there's no time for proper sentence structure in a time of panic).

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  8. THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! Sounds like something I would do!

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happy little comments!